happy ani-blogoversary

A year ago today I wrote my very first ever blog post.

A year on and unfortunately this also happens to be the day a client's project wraps up, so I have a heap of work to finish up. I'll be back tomorrow to reflect on my year of the blog. In the meantime...

Happy Birthday Blog! Thank you for all that you've done for me.

checking in: hyc week 17

It's weigh in day again.

today's weight: 99.0kg / 218lb / 15st 8lbs
loss of: 0.9kg / 2lb
total loss this year: 17kg / 37.5lbs

Happy with that.

I had a bit of a toughie again today - another "almost-binge" averted. I was stressed out and head-spinning - again - I'd eaten one large piece of cake and headed back to the cafe to buy a whole bunch more. Thankfully sanity prevailed, I bought nothing more than a coffee and got in touch with hubby so he could talk me down from the ledge. Phew!

Now I've something you may be able to help me with. I'm struggling to find a consistent calorie estimation for sushi - cooked tuna roll (generally seems to include mayo), chicken teriyaki or salmon and avocado roll specifically. I keep searching and find all sorts of wildly varying numbers, from 30 to 300 for the tuna alone. They rarely say the size. I'm assuming the first is for a small slice and even then seems kinda small, not sure if the latter is a full nori sheet or if it's what I'm looking for. I think the ones I buy are 1/2 a nori sheet in size and they're made with white rice.

How do you count them?

Good luck to all you HYCers. Have a great week.

happy monday

Despite the finals fabulousness (big congratulations to Talia for winning Dance, I quite literally jumped out of my seat whoooping when it was announced, bless 'er) I'd been feeling pretty flat all weekend. I'm glad to say the flatness has now passed and I'm actually having a pretty happy Monday. It's early days yet and I'm on-site at a very frustrating client, but so far, all signs are curiously positive.

I finally made it out to the shops yesterday afternoon too. If ever I needed proof my lifestyle and priorities have changed, it was right there in my shopping bags. Three hours of mall-trekking to buy nothing more than a pair of trainers (sneakers) and a couple of bras (1 sports, 1 everyday) all of which made me pretty darn happy. It's a pleasant change to get to the end of the day with a relatively healthy wallet and a bag empty of food wrappers. In days of old, not at all that long ago, retail therapy also meant food therapy and an overwhelming need to empty the food hall of all it's sugar goods.

I proudly wore my purchases at the gym this morning. I kicked the bejeebies out of the boxing pads with my sparkly, new, pink (of course) trainers and while wearing, rather less visibly, my fabulous new crazy coloured berlei sports bra in shades of orange, grey and mauve, in my head it makes me look like an 80's throwback futuristic-style pop-star but I may just be letting my imagination stretch a tad there.

On the heart monitor question, I'm currently leaning towards the GoWearFit/Body Bugg but unfortunately neither have stockists in Australia and their websites won't ship outside the US. I'll need to investigate options for having it sent to someone in the States and forwarded on.

Aussie Biggest Loser final tonight! Sooooo excited!!

podcasts and pancakes

It's a little Sunday morning tradition of mine to listen to Jillian Michaels' radio show podcasts while I'm making breakfast pancakes - the irony of making pancakes while listening to diet and exercise advice isn't entirely lost on me, but in my defence they are wholemeal and fully calorie counted into my day.

In the one I listened to this morning [available to download here] Jillian said she'd been having the toughest time with her diet this week, not bingeing but still spiralling a little out of control. She'd found herself back in what she called the Dante's Inferno 7th circle of "I deserve this". The times when our heads tell us what we most deserve is a binge when we actually deserve so much more. Instead of saying "I deserve to relax and watch a movie" or "I deserve to go for a great massage" her head had been full of "I deserve these brownies". Playing mind games with herself despite having done so much to get past this and put that kind of thinking behind her.

Sure is humbling to hear someone as famously fit and healthy as her talking about how she had to throw out all her "bad stuff" from the cupboards as she'd spent the week not being able to portion control. It was a timely reminder that this journey's never going to be over. There's no magic finish line tape.

I've always done what I can to ensure that my weight loss is due to a healthy lifestyle change and not some unsustainable fad diet, yet there's still a niggly part of my brain not quite with the program. A part of me is happy to pay lip service to the whole lifestyle nonsense but is secretly preparing to kick back and relax the day after getting to goal. Wrong diddly wrong wrong. This is for life now.

I may not have to write down what I eat every single day and I might not have to weigh myself every week, but I will always need to eat well and I'll always need to keep active. And I'll probably always need to fight the binge monster from time to time (in just the same way that stressful days take me back to a phantom desire to smoke, something I haven't done for over five years now).

Finally, just have to share this. I'm in love with this song. It might just be due to the endorphin high but it's really growing on me. It was one of two very gruelling hill climbs in this morning's spin class (the crazy ripped European of course) the other hard slog being Phil Collins with "In the air tonight" boy does he make us burn in that one.

finals weekend

It's a big weekend in Ani-ville - the finals of The Biggest Loser and So You Think You Can Dance - yes, yes I live a shallow life, I know

In Dance I think my vote is for Talia. I'm not sure about Loser. I'd like a lass to take the crown, but then again I really wouldn't mind if it went to Bob either (he's such a lovely chap).

I slept in this morning and missed spin class grrrr! Not ideal, but at least it answered my body's need for sleep which had certainly been lacking lately. No space for such apathy tomorrow morning though, early night tonight lady.

Hrmm now that I've started typing, I've realised I have very little to say.. ah well perhaps it'll be a short one for once.

I'm off shopping this afternoon to see about buying some new trainers and investigate the heart monitor options.

Hope everyone's having a good start to the weekend.

“lose some weight!”

...that’s what the scruffy little teenage scrotum shouted at me last night.

He delivered this directive as he cycled past me in the park, his jeans hanging off his backside, his finger and outstretched arm pointing accusingly at me and his face screwed up in disgust.

To give the little turd his dues, it certainly wasn’t the cruelest or nastiest abuse I’ve had hurled at me from strangers in the street. But, despite the instructional nature of this command, it was still only designed to hurt and belittle and not to motivate.

In the past this would have had me running to a food shop. My inner demons would have stood shoulder to shoulder with the scruffy little shite and used his words to further torture me. She wouldn’t have been satisfied until every last glimmer of positivity was removed from my brain and I was left in a crumpled mess of self loathing with no option but to drown myself under a mountain of sugar.

Funny thing happened last night though. Last night, I just held my head up high and walked on. His words barely even registered with me - let alone weighed me down - I just walked past and said inwardly “I AM losing weight!”.

I guess the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. I was still riding high from my milestone victory, plus I’d eaten well all day and I’d done two whole lots of exercise: spin class in the morning and a walk around the Tan with fab fellow bloggers Miss Milo and K not Kay after work. In fact this particular incident happened just a couple of minutes after we’d parted on my way back to the car. I was feeling right good, nothing was going to hurt me in that moment.

It’s just like something my manager said today. He was telling me he was “busy, but good-busy”, to which I replied “so long as it doesn’t become stressful-busy”. His response was “stress is only from the inside”. At the time I think I quipped something dismissive about that being a very hippy-zen attitude, but the more I thought about it the more I saw the truth in those words. Stress is a state of mind, you can be rushed off your feet busy and still not be stressed, or you might just have one task in front of you and still be totally stressed out of your box with it [ahem...finished your document yet Ani??].

I figure it’s the same with that teenager; the hurt would only have been from the inside. He’s not someone who’s opinion I respect, so why should I let it ruffle me? He’s not a friend or loved one who’s words can still have the power to cut me to the core, he’s a nobody to me. The decision whether to let his words hurt me or not are entirely in my hands. Without consciously knowing it, I definitely chose the right way.

Now, back to the happier little detail of this story you may have picked up on. Through this blog I have had the pleasure to meet some fantastic and lovely people: there was our walk last night, a lovely coffee with Ashwee a couple of weeks ago and with Kathryn last month, lunch with Miss Milo (at “Australia’s Favourite Cafe” no less), and of course the guest-of-honour special Melbourne bloggers meet with DietGirl herself.

When I started this blog, the chances of real friendships coming out of it wasn’t something that had even occurred to me. I humbly admit I have been totally blessed. You guys ROCK!

checking in: hyc week 16

Turns out this little lady should have gotten a pedicure, if only I'd known my peepers were going to be on display.

Look at this: *drum-roll please*


For the HYC record that's:

today's weight: 99.9kg / 220lb / 15st 10lbs
loss of: 1.5kg / 3.3lb
total loss this year: 16.1kg / 35.5lbs

Woooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

Major milestone moment indeed. This is enormous for me on so many levels:

1. it's my DOCTOR'S ORDERS weight for trying to conceive (okies calm down, dinnae get too excited and start knitting baby booties just yet, I'd like to lose just a wee bit more first. But this does mean that when the moment's right for us to start trying - SO AM I!)
   


2. easy rider baby! I'm BACK ON THE BIKE. I've really missed being able to go on the back of hubby's harley (put the back rest back on baby - we're going for a cruise!)
   


3. exactly HALF WAY to losing the 32kg re-gain
   


4. a THIRD of the way to goal - 34% to be precise (again from January re-start)
   


5. it's just an all round prettier number

Thank you SO MUCH for all the amazing support, I quite honestly and simply couldn't have done it all without you all *mwah*

Phew! I think I need to get down from the clouds now, I'm starting to feel giddy.

30.9 kilos left and counting :-)

Have a great week everyone.

to bugg or not to bugg

Thank you so much for your well wishes, my tummy has *finally* settled.

Not much to report from ani-land. I've been cracking on, doing my exercise and eating well. I'm about to go to another spin class this morning (the crazy European again) and then the rest of the day will be spent avoiding finishing my document for work.

I've been wanting to get a bit more accurate and accountable with my exercise levels and calories in/calories out. It'd be great to know whether I'm pushing myself enough and to have more predictable results. I've been researching heart rate monitors like polar and calorie management systems like the body bugg or the go wear fit. I'd like to know just how many calories I'm burning, but what puts me off is the monthly fees. I hate that programs like the Body Bugg and Go Wear Fit rely on an online system to which you need to subscribe. Who's to say the fees won't sky-rocket just at the point I'm reliant on the tool? I'd rather pay up-front, download the software and have continued guaranteed access to all my data.

I'm not sure whether to suck it in and go for the bugg or just stick to buying a simple heart rate monitor for now. What do you reckon? Do any of you use either?

excessive consumption may...

When I talked of my tummy being an “upside-down-screwed-up-rumbly-mess” it was by no means an exaggeration. I didn’t last an hour at work this morning before I had to pack up and come home. I’ll spare you the details (poor hubby wasn’t so lucky, he’s heard e-v-e-r-y detail. Whoever said the magic and mystery disappears when you get married?) suffice to say the public conveniences just weren’t going to be quite convenient enough, so I’ve come back to the relative safety of home comforts.

I don’t know what it is about sugar-free gum and mints, but I’ve clearly built up an intolerance to something in their “diet-friendly” ingredients list. I used to get through packets and packets of gum but, just in this last year it’s changed. Now I can’t have more than half a packet a day without my guts LOUDLY vocalising their protest. And believe me, in the last couple of days, with current stress levels, I’ve given them plenty to protest about. Time to go cold turkey on the gum again.

Before getting to work I did brave a personal training session. A silent mantra of “please don’t make me do squats, please don’t make me do squats” got me through it without causing any public embarrassment(!) As I walked into the changing rooms there was a pretty and petite blonde straightening her dress in the mirror. She had on a hippy, blue, flowy, mini dress over a pair of knee-high tan boots. She looked fantastic, you could tell from her face that she felt fantastic and knew she looked good too. It brought back memories of when I reached my lowest ever weight (the bridal lingerie pic to the right there) and how I used to try on dresses I could never afford just for the simple pleasure of seeing myself in the mirror in them. I wasn’t at goal yet but I felt fantastic. Seeing myself like that, I would grow an inch in height and feel a million dollars. It was very same feeling I saw on this girl’s face. It made me smile to think that I will feel that again soon.

As I showered I thought about it a little more. I’d recently read a blog where girls who were trying to lose weight had made really nasty comments about an already slim celebrity. It got me thinking of times where I might have been inclined to be less positive in my thoughts about the hippy chick (or more likely about me in contrast to her, I rarely “compare” per se, but just like how looking at that other lass’s perfect boobs led me to mourn and regret how much I’d damaged my own, I might turn a positive outward thought into a negative inward one) and what the difference might be. I realised that if I were to begrudge her for feeling good about herself, when it’s exactly what I’d like to feel, I’d be declaring defeat of never getting there.

I don’t know a better way to explain it than in terms of food (funny that). Imagine I’m standing in line at a gelato stand because I really really want a mixed cup - one scoop of tiramisu flavour and another of choc chip cookie dough ice cream. I see a girl in front of me buy the very same flavours and start tucking in with sheer delight on her face. I would most likely smile in anticipation, knowing just how good that feels and how fantastic it’s going to be when I get my own pastel coloured tub of creamy goodness. If then the very same scene played out, but this time I watch her taste her ice cream, yet my own request is denied and the shop keeper pulls down the “closed” shutters in front of me, I'm sure I’d be less inclined to feel quite so happy for her. Not in any mean-spirited way of course, I just mean I won't share her joy in anticipation of my own in quite the same way.

I’m not sure if I’ve explained myself very well, but what I took away from it all was the realisation that deep down perhaps I’m finally starting to believe in myself and that I can actually do this again.

If I could only settle my tummy down and finish my document that is ;-)

freak outs and fake food

I’m having a really stressful day.

The good news is I haven’t succumbed to my former response to such levels of anxiety. I haven’t binged or overeaten, well not on “real” food, instead, I’ve eaten so much sugar-free fake food that my tummy is an upside-down-screwed-up-rumbly-mess.

If I still smoked, today would have been a multi-pack doozy of a day. But I don’t smoke and I don’t comfort eat either (how’s that for positive language?) yet I still have this instinctive need to put things in my mouth when I get stressed. Water’s just not cutting it, as evidenced by all the empty diet coke bottles, sugar-free gum and other assorted sugar-free confectionary item wrappers in the bin next to me.

So I’ve avoided the binge monster, but instead of dealing with the issue at hand, I’ve simply substituted my misguided band-aid for something even less effective.

This isn’t going to work at all. What’s to stop it being real food again the next time? I need to deal with the source of my anxiety and stop just masking the symptoms.

And what is the source of my anxiety, why is my day so stressful? I don’t have deadlines or half a dozen things to juggle, I don’t have bosses jumping down my neck or folk competing for my attention. No one is bugging me, no meetings are scheduled.

All I have is “a document”.

A single document.

Sound familiar?

checking in: hyc week 15

HYC weigh-in time.

today's weight: 101.4kg / 223.5lb / 15st 13.5lbs
loss of: 0.5kg / 1lb
total loss this year: 14.6kg / 32lbs

It's been another big week. First my triumphant bike-athon and then the return of the binge monster. But here, on the playing field where all this is measured, it's another win for the good guys. A loss. Woohooo!!

Getting closer to magic double figures... perhaps next week? The week after? Pleeeeeease! I cannae wait.

Have a great week everyone.

shining a light

Thank you for all your support, wisdom and encouragement yesterday. You too make me feel less alone.

I hate that my first instinct following my food panic was to revert to bulimic thinking. If I'm 100% honest, the reason I followed up the pizza by consuming the contents of my larder, was not entirely due to "f*ck it, I may as well go the whole hog" thinking. It was also to do with eating enough to make purging a little simpler; purging I then didn't do (small mercies).

It was just how Losing Waist described. I'm a control freak, I'd done something that felt out of control so I wanted an IMMEDIATE solution.

If I eat bad I want a solution... It is why I struggled with bulimia for a couple of years... that post consumption relief (not actually a relief...it turned into a nightmare).

I know that I have to practice accepting what I have put into my body, and realizing that I have a chance to turn it around tomorrow or later today

It's that acceptance part I struggle with. In reality, it was just a pizza, probably not that bad and maybe something my body even needed, just as Ashwee said:

Your body was probably thinking "woh! I'm shrinking! Feed Me! i need to preserve myself" after burning all those calories yesterday.

I need to learn how to accept my choices - good or bad - and move on. The pizza was absolutely nothing compared to what I consumed in the end; consumption which a simple act of acceptance would have stopped from happening. The Better Idiot said it so well:

when your actions don't go to plan it's your reactions that can save you

Yesterday my immediate reaction wasn't so great; today though, I still have a choice where to go with that.

A post Cammy wrote last year has stuck in my mind and shaped so much of my thinking in this area ever since. She introduced me to a beautiful piece of prose by Portia Nelson which contains so much wisdom in its 5 short verses (I'll include it at the bottom).

When I lost my way last year, it took me months and months and a 32 kilo gain before I found my way back. Where as the last time I binged, it may have led to an even bigger binge, but it was only a matter of days before I found that balance again. With the help of this blog I'm doing just as chubrubb said, I'm "acknowledging my behaviour and trying to understand why I act this way". I'm gradually shining a light around the pit so that each time I fall back in, I can find my way out more quickly and easily.

This time I plan for it to be even quicker.

Positive thinking. I am trying to let myself "be proud, for writing about this rather than sweeping it under the carpet" (thanks Miss Milo), I've planned a day full of healthy food and I'm doing my best to accept my choices without beating myself up for them.

Perhaps next time I will have learned enough not to fall at all. I know I can do it, I've done it before.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost....I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in, again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in.....it's a habit....but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

pride

...comes before a fall.

I'm such a cliche it's unreal. So there I was, glowing in smugly goodness, I'd even looked up to see exactly long ago it was that I could barely even cycle 5km and all was good with the world.

One stupid decision later and all that positivity disappeared in a flood of tears.

Hubby and I had taken the beast out for a drive and chose to stop at a bakery for lunch. I took one look at the grease-fest on offer and knew there was nothing I'd be happy with myself for eating - but - sick of always being the boring one who puts a downer on every meal (constantly fussy about where and what to eat, never has a drink, never splashes out for special occasions, never lets her hair down any more) I thought to myself that it would be OK. After all, I cycled a marathon yesterday. I can have the greasy veggie pizza, I just won't have any chocolate or hot cross buns and I'll watch what I have for dinner.

The pizza wasn't even very nice but I finished every last oil-covered mouthful. The whole drive home it sat in my stomach like a ball of lard. Panic started to fill my head. Perhaps I could get rid of it, perhaps I could do some exercise, perhaps it wasn't actually that bad (it was). Then just like misery, it would seem bad food loves company too, so I proceeded to eat all that I could find in the cupboards - crackers, meringues, fruit bars and easter chocolate.

Just this morning I'd been sympathising with Miss Milo in a similar situation and saying how I wished I had some insightful wisdom, if only I'd realised how immediate my own need was. I know I need to learn from this, recognise a pattern, give myself credit for being accountable (I felt so foolish and ashamed I had planned to keep it secret) and move on.

I know there's a fantastic place where balance lives, I've been there before and I should know how to find my way back. One big bad greasy pizza doesn't undo a 47km bike ride, it doesn't regain 14 (or even 57) kilos, it's just a silly pizza - it just means to be careful on the extras and get back to the goodness tomorrow.

Now if I could just bring myself to press the "publish" button and show my face (full of shame in the midst of all your encouragement and support from yesterday) I will try my best to do just that - move on - back to the exercise smugness, nothing to see here.

bike-athon

It's been a huge couple of days.

I had fully expected to spend it as a bike widow. Hubby had plans for a long cycle with his buddies today and a motorbike ride for tomorrow or Monday. I was just going to amuse myself.

Instead, together we cycled a grand total of 76.5km (47.9 miles).

Before now, the longest I'd road-cycled was 17km. Yesterday I'd hoped to take a slightly longer route than normal (between the banana cake and the hot cross buns I'd been over my calorie-guide limit all week, plus I hadn't exercised since Wednesday and with it being Easter there wouldn't be any gym classes all weekend) so hubs and I set took off along the Bayside from Brighton to the Westgate Bridge.

29.5km (18.4 miles) there and back.

Ride 1, Good Friday : 29.5km - Brighton to Westgate Bridge and back

It felt fantastic and the Mr. was so proud of me, the spin classes are definitely paying off. We hadn't even got half way before he declared to me, "you're so coming with us tomorrow" and texted his buddies to tell him I'd be joining them.

I was so apprehensive. I planned to write all about it last night. Even after the triumph of that day, the thought of being the slow-poke, trailing behind and making people wait for me, kept me awake.

Thankfully there was still a part of me sure I could do it. So I went along and I DID do it.

47km (29.4 miles) and they didn't have to wait for me!!

Ride 2, Saturday : 47km - Point Cook to Williamstown and back

Fan-bloody-tastic!

My joints were toast by the end of it, it was probably a good hour or two before my knees would bend without extra persuasion again, but by that time I was tucking happily into barbecue chicken and potato salad so had very little care.

I know I'll sleeep well tonight and will no doubt be stiff tomorrow but right now I'm very very proud of myself.

hot cross ani

Well I’m neither hot (the layers are going back on, autumn’s most definitely here) nor cross (does stress count?), but I’ll be both soon enough if I don’t stop eating hot cross buns.

Part of the joy (and sometimes stress) of going to work on-site at a new client is to be found in exploring all the new cafe possibilities. This week my morning coffee-stop of choice has been the illy cafe on Little Lonsdale Street. While the coffee is great, what’s really commanded my attention and loyal patronage this week has been the fantastic bread. The organic wholegrain toast my honey has adorned each morning is quite simply delicious. The very first day I found it I went straight back three hours later to have another slice with soup at lunch time. The next day I was 10 minutes late for a meeting as I chose to prioritise toast and coffee over the project status meeting hrmm way to get a project manager offside hehe!

I asked about the bread and it’s from an artisan bakery in North Fitzroy called Dench. They too have their own cafe which is now firmly at the top of my list of other places to try out... though I rather suspect I’d be safer if their pastries and cakes remained unseen and out of my reach. Dench also do their own traditional organic hot cross buns, the Illy store had fresh ones in yesterday. What can I say, they’re expensive but they’re SOOOOOO YUMMY!

I bought a box of 6 yesterday afternoon.

By morning I'd eaten 3.

Darn that pesky Easter Bunny. I was so focused on avoiding a potential chocolate barrage, I didn’t even see the hot cross buns’ flanking manoeuvre in my rear view mirror. Time to start being more careful again Ani, got to leave space for that fantastic toast.

The buns really are scrummy, very dense and spicy... I'll take a photo when I get home if there are any left

[Update] added the piccies - poor hubby had to wait drooling for his bun while I spent forever setting up my tripod hehe

checking in: hyc week 14

A funny week so far.

Work: Stressorama!! Suffice to say it's not been fun and has left little time or brain space for blogging or working my stuff through... or my photography homework for that matter.

Food: Shaky but stable. I've had a few food panics and even a couple of fleeting binge fantasies but fantastically no actual blowouts. I even put the most ridiculous amount of temptation in my own way by making banana cake at the weekend - very yummy - I calorie calculated and weighed every bite so that it fitted in with the day's plans. Pretty proud of that.

Exercise: Pretty happy with my efforts but a mixed bag mentally. I went to spin class on Saturday and Sunday. Sunday was the crazy European again. Boy is that class intense... in a fantastically painful but brilliant way. On monday my sweet free personal training deal was finally broken. There were two of us in boxercise class.

My partner was somewhere around 6 feet tall (perhaps I exagerate, well possibly, but definitely later in her stilettos), slim, beautiful and with the most perfect boobs you've ever seen (sorry, but they *really* were). I was completely intimidated and just wished she wasn't there.. or that I could eat a donut. Don't get me wrong, she was absolutely lovely - it wasn't her, it was me. Such a mixture of feelings involved here, even if when I get to goal I'll never have her body or anything close to it. My own boobs are already deflating and what's left isn't pretty (sorry tmi). I did that to myself, no one but me, it's a confronting thought and a lot to take in. And, anyways, isn't this all about being healthy (both physically and emotionally) and not about some false body-perfect aspiration? So why did I let it bother me so much?

Anyway, back to see how it all added up. HYC weigh-in time.

today's weight: 101.9kg / 225lb / 16st 1lb
loss of: 0.9kg / 2lb
total loss this year: 14.1kg / 31lbs

In truth the scale varied between 101.8 and 102.2 but who's counting. Still fab!

And finally, this week's photography assignment is all about relationships so, at the special request of Miss Milo, here's a couple of pics of our boys and their own love hate relationship.

progress

I updated my progress picture. It may just be with the power of my super-sensitive ultra-critical detail-spotting self-perceptive eyes, but I'm actually starting to see a real difference again.

left: 22nd January 112kg
(4kg after the restart, by which time I'd stopped being quite so camera shy)
right: yesterday 102.9kg (at last weigh-in)

There's a little more square to my shoulders and a little less tummy-rolling, it's not much and you may need to squint to see it but it's keeping this gal happy :-)

saturday successes

Hooray for the weekend. I'm really not sure how most of Saturday's been and gone already, the day just ran away while I wasn't looking or while I was busy doing the household chores more likely.

I made it up for spin class this morning which was a minor miracle. I'd laid in bed until the very last second, just willing the clock to get to the point where it wasn't worth getting up after all. I don't know why I play those silly games as I always feel so blimmin great afterwards.

Yesterday morning had been a benchmark personal training session. I bench pressed 40kg - my most ever - I only got out 5 before my trainer relieved me of 5kg so I could finish the set, but that's 5 bench presses at 40kg! Woohoo benchmark indeed baby! I felt like a powerhouse. There's definitely muscle underneath all this blubber, I just can't wait to peel all the layers away so someone other than me can see it.

Yet another thing I'm proud of this week is that I had a really shaky food panic but for once didn't follow it all the way down the rabbit hole to bingeland. I'd gone to hubby's office after work where he and his buddies were playing poker and drinking beer. Being closest to the fridge, I had the honour of passing out the beers and spied a packet of Arnott's Venetians in the fridge which I duly tucked in to, not a moment's thought. I stopped after just one biscuit another miracle but was pretty annoyed at myself ne'er the less. The biscuit itself wasn't the problem - it's only 64 calories after all - it's the compulsive, out of control way in which it happened that bothered me.

This continued into the Indian restaurant we went to after, the waiter placed poppadoms on the table and I instantaneously scoffed one without giving it a second thought. Again, really not such a terrible action or food in itself, but it was so out of control and as a result I became very anxious and panicky about my eating, fearing a binge to be inevitable.

In hindsight I realise it all came about because I'd left far too long between eating and was simply hungry, but at the time all I was aware of was the compulsive desire to eat whatever was placed in front of me and then hunt out for more. My brain was ready to resign itself that Miss Binge was back in charge again. My saving grace was that I had to pop out to get cash from an ATM (the waiter had come to tell us their card machine was broken) which gave me just enough of a breather to let me settle down so that I could enjoy the rest of my meal in more relaxed comfort.

I hope one day I'll start to recognise hunger for what it is, without it sending me running for cover from the binge monster.

happy april fools'

A busy and stressful day down my way. I started a new project at a new client's today and boy oh boy is it a doozy. I was fully introduced to the level of stress I'm about to endure, not much to laugh about there. By the time I got home the energy just drained out of me.

Last night I had dinner with some fabulous ladies. All fellow Melbourne bloggers and one extra special international guest - Shauna the DietGirl herself. I really hope we all get to catch up again soon.

Speaking of which, it's only been a few days but already I've got 99 unread posts in my reader... I really didn't think I subscribed to that many, you guys must have been busy.

Will be back to read and write soon. I sure am looking forward to a chill-out-do-nothing weekend with plenty of posts, spin and sleep to catch up on (in no particular order).