no prizes...

...for guessing what happened next.

This time it was a binge of old: from 5 different cafes, thousands of calories, eating until my stomach folds over with discomfort and I can’t stand upright.

I can’t believe I’M doing this to MYSELF again.

I wasn’t going to tell. Bingeing isn’t a public activity. But I want to be healthy, I want to stop and I want to learn. I can’t keep hiding each time it goes bad. This is about accountability which means owning up. Perhaps when I read this back, the reality of what I’ve just done and what I’ve undone will start to set in enough to force me to face up to my life.


The Better Idiot said...

Argh, sounds like a bad day. You've had it building for a while though. It's over and done with now and most importantly, you've acknowledged it. Not saying anything makes it easy to pretend it never happened, which means you never deal with the issues causing it. Something I've been trying to do lately is to log EVERYTHING on daily plate, even when I binge. I find if I keep doing it that it helps me to think in future situations like this instead of going onto auto.

(Sorry I haven't been commenting! For some reason you weren't on my feed reader so I wouldn't realise you'd updated!)

Losing Waist! said...

Well. It is over. Make sure you have made peace with it being over and done. I am really glad you decided to write about it and share. I had a really bad one (just like you said...the binge of old) about two weeks ago that I wrote about. I was so embarassed because it was like I let something back in that was dirty from the past.

You can get through this. Lean on your blogger friends when you need support.

Hanlie said...

Ok, I'm going to be a bit tough on you today... Can you see that you've been setting yourself up for a binge all day? Wallowing in self-pity will get you nowhere nice...

If something's upsetting you, you have to deal with it, get it out and move on! Don't be afraid to be totally melodramatic, but you can't let it linger... That is a choice.

Yes, you're fat! Yes, you've regained all the weight you'd lost. But let's examine why that happened... You said that you were bingeing and purging during your weight loss. It didn't work! So don't go there again... you won't get a different outcome this time!

The secret to successful and sustained weight loss is to change the things that don't work for you... like eating the wrong foods, bingeing and overeating. For life!

Obviously you can't do all of that "on Monday". You have to start by eating healthier food, eliminating bad foods and exercising daily. This will help regulate your hormones, which in turn will positively affect your emotions, appetite, etc. In order for this to work, you have to start mentally divorcing yourself from your old ways. Know that they can't be part of the life you ultimately want to leave. Before you can change you have to mentally accept the changes...

Furthermore, forget about weight loss. Concentrate on gaining health. On healing your battered body, mind and soul and ultimately your life. And get your hubby on board. Irrespective of whether he's fat or thin, he also needs to be healthy.

When you're implementing a lifestyle change like this, there is no need for perfection, only improvement. It also means that there is no "failure", just teachable moments.

Set yourself up for success... It's all about self-empowerment, which beats self-pity and self-flaggelation every single time.

I'm not saying that it's easy, but it works! Go for it!

Anonymous said...

In the hours after I have a binge, I'm always too far down the self-pity hole to respond well to suggestions or constructive criticism; all I really want to know is that there are people out there who support me and understand what I'm going through. So that's what I'm going to tell you.

You're such a lovely, beautiful person Ani and I really hate to see you in such a funk. But I completely understand what you're going through. In fact, just a week ago I was right where you are (and I'm sure soon enough I'll be back there again): not getting results on the scales and feeling frustrated and angry and helpless and overwhelmed. And of course, for those of us who have used food for comfort and to numb pain our whole lives, inevitably those kinds of feelings lead to a binge - because bingeing is the best way we know to cope.

But this binge (and the stalling scales and yukky feelings before it) doesn't make you a failure Ani! Your body is probably just taking a break to adjust to the 10kg you've shed this year, and once it starts responding to your healthy eating and exercise again it'll go back to rewarding your efforts. And in the meantime, as hard as it is, remember that you're a worthwhile person and that there are plenty of us here who know exactly what you are going through and are here cheering you on. You CAN do it; you HAVE done it! Just because you put a bit (not all) of your weight back on doesn't mean you're a failure or that what you were doing wasn't working; it just means that life got in the way and you lost focus for awhile. Remember Shauna's comment: even those who get to a healthy weight and manage to maintain it struggle. You're only human; you can't be perfect all the time (sadly!).

On top of that, you should be so proud of yourself for writing this post! It was a very brave thing to do, and I hope you're rewarded with lots of lovely and supportive comments :)

Take care lovely. Thinking of you!


ani pesto said...

@Miss M - I can't thank you enough. I was in the process of trying to respond to the comments and find a way to say that I just wasn't ready for tough, then your message arrived, I started reading and the floodgates opened. It was like all the emotion I'd tried to numb and bottle up all day just came out in a huge gush and I sobbed and sobbed until I actually felt a little better. Thank you xxx

@the better - thank you, it's good to know you're there. I know I'm not dealing with root causes very well here.

@LW you're so right I do feel dirty like I'm airing my shame. I'm not quite sure if I've made peace with it being over and done just yet either. I know I need to see it as a blip not as a return to old habits so I'm certainly trying. Thank you for your support, after years of hiding this side of me it's so heartening to connect with others who've been here.

@Hanlie - thank you for taking the time to write, I know you're crazy busy at the moment. I will come back and read it later when I'm a bit more together and able to take it in.

It all just got a bit hard and my instincts are telling me to climb back into my shell and hide, but something in me knows I need to expose this, get it out into the light and have a good look at what's going on here.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there Ani <3 *hugs* It's such a dark place to be in, and I really hope you feel better by now.