breaking down

I just binged.


I've got my mid year career review tomorrow and I was struggling to fill in all the forms. I'm supposed to say where I want my career to progress and I don't even know what career I want any more. I tried filling in some self assessments to help me decide but I guess I may have just gotten more anxious.

I then realised it was Tuesday night and went and weighed myself - 106kg AGAIN!!!!


I've been working fecking hard at this and having lost a total of 75kg from my heaviest weight in the past (which is just a fraction of the weight I've lost in total in my yo-yo dieting life time) I know how to do this and yet it's not happening. I know I should be able to consistently lose up to a kilo a week with the amount of exercise I've been doing. I've worked my guts out lately, I've been doing my exercise, writing down all my food intake and doing it all right. I reassure others when they don't lose and don't know why that it'll all come good in the end but I'm not convincing myself.

Instead, the first thing I did after I weighed myself was to walk to the larder and eat a meringue nest. Went back shortly after and ate another one... followed by a cereal bar, a 2nd, 3rd, 4th... lost count then the rest of the meringue nests. I probably doubled my calorie intake for the day and I did it all while my husband was in the room with his headphones on playing on the computer. Just to add to my shame I also have the guilt of sneaking around to cope with, he'll feel like I lied to him.

I know better than this. I know better than to let all or nothing thinking sabotage my successes. I should also know better than to let my stupid job get in the way of my weight loss efforts.

I did other things too, things I do when I know I'm going to purge. I'm not sure whether I will or not yet. I'm just plain disgusted with myself, I want to get control again and that means getting the food back out again.

I'm guessing this isn't the post most people thought I'd be writing after all my exercise smugness. Back down to earth with a thud!


Charlie Hills said...

But it's okay. It happens. Just hop right back on the wagon and keep going. Then you can put your exercise smugness back on!

Hanlie said...

Oh Sweetie! Don't beat yourself up!

I can so understand why this happened... Performance appraisals make us question our own worth and drive us to seek comfort. Reassure yourself that you're worthy, not only in your career, but in your life, marriage, etc. Then forgive yourself for doubting that and MOVE RIGHT ALONG!

Anonymous said...

Oh Ani! You're so NOT pathetic. You've had a really tough week with work and yet done so many positive things (those spin classes for one!)... it's heartbreaking and frustrating and maddening when the scales don't reward your efforts. Of COURSE you're going to feel like binging after all of that... I think anyone would!

Hanlie is right... performance appraisals are horrible, and I imagine it would be even worse for you right now with all the questions you have about whether you're in the right job.

You have done so brilliantly in the past losing all the weight you did, and this year losing nearly 10kg, but a lifetime of habits is really, really difficult to turn around completely. Of course you would be seeking comfort the best way you know when faced with the performance review and the evil scales all at once.

{{{Hugs}}} to you honey. I think you're amazing and you're doing a great job of this, despite what the scales say. Looking forward to having a big cup of caffeinated comfort with you tomorrow!


kathrynoh said...

Work appraisals are the worst. Especially if you are feeling ambivalent about the job to start with.

Cammy said...

I confess that I don't understand binging, but I DO understand fear and the sadness that comes from letting yourself down. I'm sorry you've had to go through that. Use it for good, resolving to get right back into the game and keep going. You're worth it!