I just binged.
I've got my mid year career review tomorrow and I was struggling to fill in all the forms. I'm supposed to say where I want my career to progress and I don't even know what career I want any more. I tried filling in some self assessments to help me decide but I guess I may have just gotten more anxious.
I then realised it was Tuesday night and went and weighed myself - 106kg AGAIN!!!!
I've been working fecking hard at this and having lost a total of 75kg from my heaviest weight in the past (which is just a fraction of the weight I've lost in total in my yo-yo dieting life time) I know how to do this and yet it's not happening. I know I should be able to consistently lose up to a kilo a week with the amount of exercise I've been doing. I've worked my guts out lately, I've been doing my exercise, writing down all my food intake and doing it all right. I reassure others when they don't lose and don't know why that it'll all come good in the end but I'm not convincing myself.
Instead, the first thing I did after I weighed myself was to walk to the larder and eat a meringue nest. Went back shortly after and ate another one... followed by a cereal bar, a 2nd, 3rd, 4th... lost count then the rest of the meringue nests. I probably doubled my calorie intake for the day and I did it all while my husband was in the room with his headphones on playing on the computer. Just to add to my shame I also have the guilt of sneaking around to cope with, he'll feel like I lied to him.
I know better than this. I know better than to let all or nothing thinking sabotage my successes. I should also know better than to let my stupid job get in the way of my weight loss efforts.
I did other things too, things I do when I know I'm going to purge. I'm not sure whether I will or not yet. I'm just plain disgusted with myself, I want to get control again and that means getting the food back out again.
I'm guessing this isn't the post most people thought I'd be writing after all my exercise smugness. Back down to earth with a thud!