It's evening and actually a few days after, but I finally feel like the foggy cloud is lifting and I can see a little clearer again. This is a side to me and my life that I wouldn't talk about with most of my closest loved ones, let alone friends and colleagues. It's quite confronting, despite the anonymity, just how public I've made all these private thoughts here. I cannot thank you enough for treating them - and me - with such respect. Thank you for your support and for being so understanding and thoughtful in your responses.
My own thoughts are still a bit of a muddle though I do feel they've been going in a useful direction. The weekend has been clean. I fly back to Sydney again at the crack of dawn and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm rather apprehensive about slipping effortlessly back into the bad habits I practiced all last week.
lost
|
I have no idea where I'm going to go with this, I just feel the need to get it out there, offload and tell someone - anyone - everything. For that reason I must apologise that I have no idea what I'm going to say and whether it will contain details you'd rather not read.
I'm sitting in a busy food court, in a shopping mall, in the middle of Chatswood, NSW, having just binged then purged in the restrooms. How the feck did I get here?
The day started clean, I had toast and coffee for breakfast and was taken out for lunch. Lunch was disgusting taste-wise, but it wasn't too much of an issue health and fat-wise (next time anyone asks me if I like Yum Cha, please remind it's an emphatic "NO"). I was hanging out for my afternoon coffee to take away the taste. I had slight concerns that the lack of satisfaction I felt about lunch might present a potential danger for me, but it didn't prove to be a problem. I ordered a skinny cap, didn't give a second glance to the cakes and cookies and happily went back up to my desk.
So what happened?
A bloke came around the office with leftover cakes from a training course is what happened.
The tray was mostly lamingtons with a few friands sliced in half. Now I hate dessicated coconut, so if only that whole tray had been lamingtons I may have gotten through just fine, not even tempted. But no. I took a piece of friand and that's the very moment where I gave in. The first of many moments in fact, there were numerous turning points presented to me and I chose not to take the right path at each and every one.
At the taste of the almondy muffin, my brain just clicked into binge mode, "oh goody, we're bingeing, fantastic! what's next on the menu?"
I'm just so damn fragile at the moment. The slightest thing triggers the slightest thought, and then that slightest thought assumes enormous power and control.
Just two weeks ago my brain was quite happy to cope with the taste of a cake and would know to leave it there, enjoy it, but don't let it spoil all my good work. But not now.
So where was I? "what's next on the menu? I happen to know there are cookies in a jar right next to the kettle"
Off I trot to the kettle. Logically I know this is not something I want to do. Logically I know this does not meet a single need or fix a single problem. Where's the logic?
I ate 2 cookies.
I'm still reasoning with myself, telling myself just to leave it there, "it's OK, so you ate half a friand and a couple of cookies, that's OK, stop now. It's simply not a problem".
But I couldn't leave it there. It was a problem (where's the fecking logic????).
I took the lift downstairs and went back to the cafe whose cakes I'd previously ignored, ordered a toasted banana bread (indeed, bingeing on things I let myself eat when I'm being clean - now there's a personal rule broken and a line crossed) and a strawberry cup cake on the side - for while I'm waiting for banana loaf to cook of course.
At this point, I realise I'm bingeing (how passive "I realise", really? ) and there's no return so I'd best try and do something about it to make sure these calories aren't going to ruin a perfect 2 day run. This is broken perfection, this needs to be righted. I go into a second cafe so I can buy a drink "to help the medicine go down". Oh and while I'm there I might as well pick up a giant chocolate cookie.
Now I'm committed to the binge, I might as well make it a good one: eat a few of the things I've been missing and "enjoy" them (as if you actually can enjoy a binge). So I pack up my laptop and finish for the day. As I'm walking out of the building, I'm feeling pretty bloody pathetic. I was telling myself what a disappointment I am and how I'm letting myself and my husband down. Did you see how fantastic he is? That's not going to last, why would I do this to myself, why would I do it him? But telling myself how weak I am being is only serving to reinforce the weakness, it's not giving me the strength to overcome it.
Even despite the gaps in the process where I'm arguing with myself I'd decided I'm in this for the whole hog now. I go into a bakery and buy a piece of cheesecake and a caramel tart. Once consumed I scout the streets for more cafes and shops and in the next bakery I buy a second piece of cheesecake and a second caramel tart (nothing if not original). While I'm still eating, I continue to walk and find a shopping mall. I zone in on the food court. Here I order a banana crepe with banana and chocolate. I'm starting to feel pretty full and disgusting now, but still not sure if I'm quite full enough that the purge is going to be as easy as it could be. A giant caramel muffin seals the deal so that I'm fit to burst and can make my way to the restrooms to get rid of it all again.
Here's another danger point. This can end in one of two ways. Either I feel the joy of an empty stomach and the high of being back in control again after having had my cake and eaten it, or it could end with me feeling a little full and a bit of a failure, like I didn't achieve a thing and the whole process starts again. This wasn't a particularly big binge to begin with.
Like I said - how the feck?!
So what's different this week than a couple of weeks ago? Why am I stuck in this way of thinking again? What happened? How do I get back out?
I've been wracking my brain trying to work out what's going on. OK, so I'm on a stressful project (again!), I'm away from home (again!) and I've just moved house (again!) but is that really what's at the heart of this? Problem is, whatever the cause is, it's something I'm not dealing with, I'm not emotionally connecting and processing the issue, so when I question myself whether I've hit on the root cause, I'm so emotionally detached, it doesn't feel real.
I've been through eating disorder counselling of various types as well as general counselling (a fantastic counsellor I left in Perth but have reconnected with via email and the phone from time to time). I'm very self aware but yet there's a giant white elephant standing in my way that I simply can't see. I'm hoping that someone else out there can help me put form to it.
I know I'm testing everyone's patience, I'm not helping myself, I'm letting my husband down in ways that break both his and my heart. I know you'll get sick of the wolf-crier who keeps tripping up over the same damn mistakes and falling in a heap. But what do I do?
Now I'm going to stop writing and hit publish. I expect I'm going to feel very fragile and exposed after blurting out all this nonsensical rubbish - AGAIN - but I feel the need to bring my problems into the light and get a bloody good look at them.
What the fuck?!!!!!
I'm sitting in a busy food court, in a shopping mall, in the middle of Chatswood, NSW, having just binged then purged in the restrooms. How the feck did I get here?
The day started clean, I had toast and coffee for breakfast and was taken out for lunch. Lunch was disgusting taste-wise, but it wasn't too much of an issue health and fat-wise (next time anyone asks me if I like Yum Cha, please remind it's an emphatic "NO"). I was hanging out for my afternoon coffee to take away the taste. I had slight concerns that the lack of satisfaction I felt about lunch might present a potential danger for me, but it didn't prove to be a problem. I ordered a skinny cap, didn't give a second glance to the cakes and cookies and happily went back up to my desk.
So what happened?
A bloke came around the office with leftover cakes from a training course is what happened.
The tray was mostly lamingtons with a few friands sliced in half. Now I hate dessicated coconut, so if only that whole tray had been lamingtons I may have gotten through just fine, not even tempted. But no. I took a piece of friand and that's the very moment where I gave in. The first of many moments in fact, there were numerous turning points presented to me and I chose not to take the right path at each and every one.
At the taste of the almondy muffin, my brain just clicked into binge mode, "oh goody, we're bingeing, fantastic! what's next on the menu?"
I'm just so damn fragile at the moment. The slightest thing triggers the slightest thought, and then that slightest thought assumes enormous power and control.
Just two weeks ago my brain was quite happy to cope with the taste of a cake and would know to leave it there, enjoy it, but don't let it spoil all my good work. But not now.
So where was I? "what's next on the menu? I happen to know there are cookies in a jar right next to the kettle"
Off I trot to the kettle. Logically I know this is not something I want to do. Logically I know this does not meet a single need or fix a single problem. Where's the logic?
I ate 2 cookies.
I'm still reasoning with myself, telling myself just to leave it there, "it's OK, so you ate half a friand and a couple of cookies, that's OK, stop now. It's simply not a problem".
But I couldn't leave it there. It was a problem (where's the fecking logic????).
I took the lift downstairs and went back to the cafe whose cakes I'd previously ignored, ordered a toasted banana bread (indeed, bingeing on things I let myself eat when I'm being clean - now there's a personal rule broken and a line crossed) and a strawberry cup cake on the side - for while I'm waiting for banana loaf to cook of course.
At this point, I realise I'm bingeing (how passive "I realise", really? ) and there's no return so I'd best try and do something about it to make sure these calories aren't going to ruin a perfect 2 day run. This is broken perfection, this needs to be righted. I go into a second cafe so I can buy a drink "to help the medicine go down". Oh and while I'm there I might as well pick up a giant chocolate cookie.
Now I'm committed to the binge, I might as well make it a good one: eat a few of the things I've been missing and "enjoy" them (as if you actually can enjoy a binge). So I pack up my laptop and finish for the day. As I'm walking out of the building, I'm feeling pretty bloody pathetic. I was telling myself what a disappointment I am and how I'm letting myself and my husband down. Did you see how fantastic he is? That's not going to last, why would I do this to myself, why would I do it him? But telling myself how weak I am being is only serving to reinforce the weakness, it's not giving me the strength to overcome it.
Even despite the gaps in the process where I'm arguing with myself I'd decided I'm in this for the whole hog now. I go into a bakery and buy a piece of cheesecake and a caramel tart. Once consumed I scout the streets for more cafes and shops and in the next bakery I buy a second piece of cheesecake and a second caramel tart (nothing if not original). While I'm still eating, I continue to walk and find a shopping mall. I zone in on the food court. Here I order a banana crepe with banana and chocolate. I'm starting to feel pretty full and disgusting now, but still not sure if I'm quite full enough that the purge is going to be as easy as it could be. A giant caramel muffin seals the deal so that I'm fit to burst and can make my way to the restrooms to get rid of it all again.
Here's another danger point. This can end in one of two ways. Either I feel the joy of an empty stomach and the high of being back in control again after having had my cake and eaten it, or it could end with me feeling a little full and a bit of a failure, like I didn't achieve a thing and the whole process starts again. This wasn't a particularly big binge to begin with.
Like I said - how the feck?!
So what's different this week than a couple of weeks ago? Why am I stuck in this way of thinking again? What happened? How do I get back out?
I've been wracking my brain trying to work out what's going on. OK, so I'm on a stressful project (again!), I'm away from home (again!) and I've just moved house (again!) but is that really what's at the heart of this? Problem is, whatever the cause is, it's something I'm not dealing with, I'm not emotionally connecting and processing the issue, so when I question myself whether I've hit on the root cause, I'm so emotionally detached, it doesn't feel real.
I've been through eating disorder counselling of various types as well as general counselling (a fantastic counsellor I left in Perth but have reconnected with via email and the phone from time to time). I'm very self aware but yet there's a giant white elephant standing in my way that I simply can't see. I'm hoping that someone else out there can help me put form to it.
I know I'm testing everyone's patience, I'm not helping myself, I'm letting my husband down in ways that break both his and my heart. I know you'll get sick of the wolf-crier who keeps tripping up over the same damn mistakes and falling in a heap. But what do I do?
Now I'm going to stop writing and hit publish. I expect I'm going to feel very fragile and exposed after blurting out all this nonsensical rubbish - AGAIN - but I feel the need to bring my problems into the light and get a bloody good look at them.
What the fuck?!!!!!
2 clean days
|
Hubby says I'm to celebrate my successes where I can, but I cannae help feeling a tad disappointed to be celebrating something I'd gone back to taking for granted.
I'm a smart girl repeating a lot of dumb mistakes.
But hubby's right. In fact these last couple of days he's not only been right, he's been down right adorable.
I've been having another tough time over here in Sydney. First the airline lost my luggage, then things started not going to plan with my project, I couldn't even begin to tell you how badly one of my presentations went. You know the rest.... I binged bad on Monday, but then on Tuesday, this is what I received in my inbox right around danger time:
Then come afternoon tea time:
How gorgeous is he?!
Too funny!! He may kill me for showing you these, but they quite literally made my day, so I just had to share.
And the good news is - I did make it through the day.
I'm a smart girl repeating a lot of dumb mistakes.
But hubby's right. In fact these last couple of days he's not only been right, he's been down right adorable.
I've been having another tough time over here in Sydney. First the airline lost my luggage, then things started not going to plan with my project, I couldn't even begin to tell you how badly one of my presentations went. You know the rest.... I binged bad on Monday, but then on Tuesday, this is what I received in my inbox right around danger time:
Hi Ani Pesto!
This is your 11am motivation ping! I hope you're feeling great, we are!!!!
Feeling tired or a wee bit tempted to try a muffin with your elevenses coffee? Stay away from Bad Mr Muffin and try Miss Nice Fruit instead!!!!
Miss Nice Fruit will give you the energy you need to make it though to lunch, without adding to your hip line! Now isn't that great!!!!
Have am AWESOME day, and we'll be seeing you for your mid afternoon ping!!!!
* This email was brought to you by the *great* folks over at We Smile and Exclaim Too Bloody Much Corp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then come afternoon tea time:
Warning! Warning! Ani Pesto! Danger time approaching!
Chin up, sweetheart. You can make it though the day. xoxo.
Dr Smith says:
When attempting to take over the universe, it's important to always keep your end game in mind. Being constantly thwarted by 10 year old brats and idiotic robots can wear one down, so always come back to what it is you *really* want to achieve, no matter how distant it seems at the time. Oh, and never monologue your plan when you *think* you're alone.
How gorgeous is he?!
Too funny!! He may kill me for showing you these, but they quite literally made my day, so I just had to share.
And the good news is - I did make it through the day.
parting lines
|
This is how my weight chart is looking:
Orange line is my weight, green line is my target. Look how beautifully aligned they both were until just a couple of weeks ago.
First day back in Sydney and I binged again – at lunch time, downstairs from the client’s office. If they knew what a personal f**k-up they’ve got for a consultant they might question the $$ they’re paying per hour for me :-(
I’m being accountable but doing it anyways. Hardly the point.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this, around the areas of control and trust. I’m aware that I’m passively following a direction I don’t actively want to go in. As *Fitcetera* said, it’s got a lot to do with thinking I have no control in this. My clean day on Saturday is testament to that, I reminded myself in the morning that I have a choice about how I would like to approach the day and each twist and turn it brings. It worked. Come Sunday and the anticipation of being on a tough new job meant I instantly forgot I had that choice. I felt stressed, I felt out of my depth and subsequently I felt out of control.
I don’t trust myself to take charge when things get hard. That might sound a little crazy. "I" don't trust "myself". I’m exhibiting multiple personalities here, if sensible-me’s not in charge and stressed-out-binge-me has the reins, it’s still all ME right?
I think it’s no coincidence I’ve never had a career plan. In my career I’ve passively followed opportunities as they’ve arisen, climbed the ladder slowly and then wondered why I’m more junior than my less experienced colleagues (don’t have to look far for the answer to that when you see what I do in my lunch hour though hey.... hrmm too funny, even when I’m writing about having no belief in myself, I feel the need to demonstrate why I’m not worth believing in).
Personal dreams, career aspirations and the simple daily stresses of life. In all of it I'm exhibiting the very same fear of failing. Not only do I not aim high for fear of falling, but I genuinely don’t believe I have the right to either.
I see so many contradictions in all this it’s hard to write about. I say I don’t believe in myself and don’t deserve to achieve high things and yet I get defiant and frustrated with my lot – if defiance isn’t the action of someone who believes then what is it?
I don’t know that any of this is making sense. It’s a scrabbled mess of thoughts being typed very quickly, disguised as an email while the client’s not looking (so not a good professional look for me!).
Hopefully I’ll come back to make sense of it all later.
First day back in Sydney and I binged again – at lunch time, downstairs from the client’s office. If they knew what a personal f**k-up they’ve got for a consultant they might question the $$ they’re paying per hour for me :-(
I’m being accountable but doing it anyways. Hardly the point.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this, around the areas of control and trust. I’m aware that I’m passively following a direction I don’t actively want to go in. As *Fitcetera* said, it’s got a lot to do with thinking I have no control in this. My clean day on Saturday is testament to that, I reminded myself in the morning that I have a choice about how I would like to approach the day and each twist and turn it brings. It worked. Come Sunday and the anticipation of being on a tough new job meant I instantly forgot I had that choice. I felt stressed, I felt out of my depth and subsequently I felt out of control.
I don’t trust myself to take charge when things get hard. That might sound a little crazy. "I" don't trust "myself". I’m exhibiting multiple personalities here, if sensible-me’s not in charge and stressed-out-binge-me has the reins, it’s still all ME right?
I think it’s no coincidence I’ve never had a career plan. In my career I’ve passively followed opportunities as they’ve arisen, climbed the ladder slowly and then wondered why I’m more junior than my less experienced colleagues (don’t have to look far for the answer to that when you see what I do in my lunch hour though hey.... hrmm too funny, even when I’m writing about having no belief in myself, I feel the need to demonstrate why I’m not worth believing in).
Personal dreams, career aspirations and the simple daily stresses of life. In all of it I'm exhibiting the very same fear of failing. Not only do I not aim high for fear of falling, but I genuinely don’t believe I have the right to either.
I see so many contradictions in all this it’s hard to write about. I say I don’t believe in myself and don’t deserve to achieve high things and yet I get defiant and frustrated with my lot – if defiance isn’t the action of someone who believes then what is it?
I don’t know that any of this is making sense. It’s a scrabbled mess of thoughts being typed very quickly, disguised as an email while the client’s not looking (so not a good professional look for me!).
Hopefully I’ll come back to make sense of it all later.
checking in
|
Thank you for words of support. I think like many of the comments said, it was very much a pressure cooker reaction which hadn't fully blown until after I'd made it safely through the stress.
The last few days haven't been all that much better. Another big binge Thursday, a mini one Friday, a clean day on Saturday (and finally a fabbo ride on the motorbike with hubby discovering a nearby winery - very very nice) and then more stress-grazing today.
I'm off to Sydney tomorrow morning (K not Kay I'll be in touch - would be great to meet up again) for another 4 weeks straight (home at the weekends). I'm in denial about it, I haven't booked the 4:30am taxi or even thought about packing yet. It's also looking like it will be another stressful project, more overblown client expectations and pressures. Oh joy!
I'll do my best to check in. I sure do need the accountability. Despite my doubled-up gym membership I've only been 3 times in the last fortnight, I've stopped wearing my GoWear fit and my food and bingeing is back out of control (3kg gain and counting).
In a perverted way, I'm secretly hoping that the pressure of another 4am start and a new project will click me back into a sensible food frame of mind.... how backward is that?
The last few days haven't been all that much better. Another big binge Thursday, a mini one Friday, a clean day on Saturday (and finally a fabbo ride on the motorbike with hubby discovering a nearby winery - very very nice) and then more stress-grazing today.
I'm off to Sydney tomorrow morning (K not Kay I'll be in touch - would be great to meet up again) for another 4 weeks straight (home at the weekends). I'm in denial about it, I haven't booked the 4:30am taxi or even thought about packing yet. It's also looking like it will be another stressful project, more overblown client expectations and pressures. Oh joy!
I'll do my best to check in. I sure do need the accountability. Despite my doubled-up gym membership I've only been 3 times in the last fortnight, I've stopped wearing my GoWear fit and my food and bingeing is back out of control (3kg gain and counting).
In a perverted way, I'm secretly hoping that the pressure of another 4am start and a new project will click me back into a sensible food frame of mind.... how backward is that?
losing it
|
I'm totally losing it right now and I don't mean the weight. I binged again yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that.
I fully lost it in the car last night. I had an appointment with a tax accountant to lodge my (extremely overdue) 2008 return. Despite possession of a map and a GPS, I just couldn't get to their office. 50 minutes for a 5km journey. I screamed my throat roar when I found myself back on the freeway once more driving in the opposite direction to my intended destination.
I seriously all-out screamed, a deep-throated, guttural, horror-movie, scream. And then I just couldn't stop screaming. Screaming and swearing and screaming and cussing and screaming. I pity the poor folk I accosted for directions. I was a crazy woman, a total banshee.
I don't understand how I could cope so well with what was probably the most stressful period of my entire career, only to fall apart when most of the stress has disappeared.
However, today's another day. I'm here and accountable. And I promise to try harder.
I fully lost it in the car last night. I had an appointment with a tax accountant to lodge my (extremely overdue) 2008 return. Despite possession of a map and a GPS, I just couldn't get to their office. 50 minutes for a 5km journey. I screamed my throat roar when I found myself back on the freeway once more driving in the opposite direction to my intended destination.
I seriously all-out screamed, a deep-throated, guttural, horror-movie, scream. And then I just couldn't stop screaming. Screaming and swearing and screaming and cussing and screaming. I pity the poor folk I accosted for directions. I was a crazy woman, a total banshee.
I don't understand how I could cope so well with what was probably the most stressful period of my entire career, only to fall apart when most of the stress has disappeared.
However, today's another day. I'm here and accountable. And I promise to try harder.
snakes & ladders
|
It's a good news / bad news day today.
The good news first: I have interwebs!!! Woooohoooooo!! There's a whole wide world out there just waiting to be surfed.
Still no ADSL and no cable, but after a ridiculous amount of time wasted in daily phone conversations to my favourite TelCo [grrrr! grumble mumble... nasty-horrible-lack-of-customer-service-gnarly-monsters that they are] the wireless dongle I bought a week ago has finally been activated.
So for the bad news: I've re-opened Pandora's food-box again, lost control and binged my way back up the scale a couple of kilos.
I've had such active internal dialogues, reminded myself very clearly of my goals and that my actions are contra to reaching them. But the problem is, in that very moment, my goals don't feel tangible. My immediate desire, nae "need" to shove my face full of food, does.
Time to start putting one foot ahead of the other on that ladder rung again.
340 unread items
|
I finally opened my RSS Reader for the first time in weeks. You've all been busy, I can't wait to catch up. So funny, I feel like I know so many of you, I've been wondering how you're all doing, how the stories have been developing.
I'm sure I've probably got a few stories of my own I need to tell too. My first week back to almost-normality has proved difficult food-wise. I guess it's what happens when you let your guard down and feel as though you have permission to relax. I'm going to be keeping a tight reign on it for a wee while, the scales have stayed the same this week which I don't like one bit after all my recent triumphs.
I've joined a new gym close to our new house. In fact for a 3 months overlap I'll have gym membership both at work and at home for no extra cost - bargain! I tried out the cycle class last night in their swanky blue-lit, neon, cycle-room. It was one hard work out and and all the more worth it for the lollies she handed out at the end ;-)
I'll be slowly making my way through the posts, so I look forward to seeing you all soon.
I'm sure I've probably got a few stories of my own I need to tell too. My first week back to almost-normality has proved difficult food-wise. I guess it's what happens when you let your guard down and feel as though you have permission to relax. I'm going to be keeping a tight reign on it for a wee while, the scales have stayed the same this week which I don't like one bit after all my recent triumphs.
I've joined a new gym close to our new house. In fact for a 3 months overlap I'll have gym membership both at work and at home for no extra cost - bargain! I tried out the cycle class last night in their swanky blue-lit, neon, cycle-room. It was one hard work out and and all the more worth it for the lollies she handed out at the end ;-)
I'll be slowly making my way through the posts, so I look forward to seeing you all soon.
almost normal
|
I'm back in Melbourne, the Sydney project is done and dusted – mucho relief all round. The big house move is tomorrow but I've yet to finish all the documentation for the Perth job and promised the client they'd have them the beginning of this week. Hence why right now I find myself sitting on the floor of an empty house with a laptop appropriately on my lap.
Turns out too that I'd tempted fate with my “internet in the new house” comment. We can't get ADSL! There aren't any ports left at the exchange so they say. There's no cable in the area and no other providers. We've been trying to bend our heads around the prospect of either dial-up *gulp* or potentially robbing a bank to fund the extortionate wireless dongle options that lock you into a 36 month contract and are darn slow as they're so over-subscribed by all the other poor folk who can't get ADSL in the area. Hrmm. Hobson's.
Best be getting back to work. One day very soon, life will return to normal once more, I can practically smell it.
Turns out too that I'd tempted fate with my “internet in the new house” comment. We can't get ADSL! There aren't any ports left at the exchange so they say. There's no cable in the area and no other providers. We've been trying to bend our heads around the prospect of either dial-up *gulp* or potentially robbing a bank to fund the extortionate wireless dongle options that lock you into a 36 month contract and are darn slow as they're so over-subscribed by all the other poor folk who can't get ADSL in the area. Hrmm. Hobson's.
Best be getting back to work. One day very soon, life will return to normal once more, I can practically smell it.
skinny jeans
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Labels:
weigh-in
As a mens size 36" waist, they're hardly "skinny" for most folk, but when I bought them nearly two years ago, they were the skinniest jeans I'd worn for almost 20 years. Yet, only 6 short months later and they were once again relegated to the untouchable "too skinny" pile.
Well guess what? Yesterday I WORE THEM ALL DAY
The last time I tried them on was about two months ago, I'd wanted to see just how far (or close) they were from me. There was a wasteland of flesh between the button and its buttonhole, and no amount of contorting would permit the zip to budge.
When I chanced my luck to try them again yesterday, I was expecting a similar story, but hoped just to feel reassured they were getting closer. I certainly hadn't expected them to fit!
I'll be away again for my official HYC weigh-in, so in the midst of my skinny-jean-celebration-dance this seems like a rather appropriate time to check in:
today's weight: 95kg / 209.5lb / 14st 13lbs
loss of: 3.9kg / 8.5lb (since 12th May)
total loss this year: 21kg / 46lbs
- Lowest Melbourne weight. I'm now 0.1kg lower than I was when I arrived in Melbourne a year ago. A whole year of frantically running just to stay still.
- BMI under 35, making me just plain "obese". No longer "severely" and a long way down from "morbidly". Next stop "overweight" oooh how I long to leave obese behind.
I'm still a work-brained fuzzled mess and we're also mid house-move. Most of our belongings have made their way to the new house (thanks to my fabulous hubby for all his hard work), with only a few boxes and all the furniture left to make the trip. We've lots still to organise but yet again I'll be away for most of it and trying to live by remote control. I'm back in Sydney all this week but at the moment it's looking good I might get to slow down a bit after that. Fingers crossed.
I've let my life become such a dishevelled and disorganised mess while I've had my work-blinkers on - I missed my sister-in-law's birthday, my cousin got married last week and I still haven't been in touch and I'll even be without a driving license next weekend as I've let my Western Australia one expire without having had a chance to organise a Victorian one.
I'm just so grateful that while everything else has been a mess, for once my food's been under control - so far touch wood!
Have a great week everyone. I've made a date with myself to catch up on how you're all doing next weekend so long as the internet's connected at the new hoose of course. Looking forward to it.
not run away
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Quickly popping by to say I haven't run away. Sorry for my prolonged absence. The work hiatus is yet to subside, I'm still eagerly waiting to get the "life" part of my work/life balance back.
The Perth job is finished, well not actually "finished" I'll be spending my long weekend doing even more documentation - joy! After a brief day at home in Melbourne with my husband I've flown back to Sydney and am once again holed up in a hotel and back on a stressful project and oh my goodness if only I could talk about just how stressful this one is! Is there any other kind these days?
Unlike my previous blog absentee periods though, things are going pretty well food-wise. Despite the stress levels I've not binged - very proud of that!! I've been missing the gym but walking a little more than usual.
I did weigh myself on Sunday night for the first time in over two weeks. It was a good number, but it was also straight after a long flight when I tend to dehydrate and my weight can bounce all over the place... I'll wait until I'm back home again to get a more reliable and consistent number.
My attempts at hotel food aren't getting any better. Tonight was comical. Typical but comical. The steamed vegetables on the menu in this hotel are described as being served "with Little General olive oil". Knowing that these hotels seem to justify their high prices with complex calorie per cents calculations, I figured I couldn't ask for just "no oil" or they'd find some other way to drown my veggies in calories. Instead I ordered a plate and asked for the oil to be on the side.
I very specifically said "just plain steamed vegetables, I'll add my own oil thank you". So what turns up? Oil in a bowl on the side as requested and steamed vegetables that taste of butter. When the menu says they're served with oil, it really didn't occur to me to have to specify "absolutely nothing but vegetables please, no oil and no butter". Seriously!?! At least it was truly only a hint this time and not a flood.
Anyways, excuse the garbled typing. I'd best run, it's past my bedtime and I was up at 4:30am today. Can't wait to be back to normal. I have so much to talk about. We're moving for starters. In fact my marvel of a husband is carrying the can right now and organising the whole lot on his tod - he really has been fantastic while I've been so work-blinkered.
The Perth job is finished, well not actually "finished" I'll be spending my long weekend doing even more documentation - joy! After a brief day at home in Melbourne with my husband I've flown back to Sydney and am once again holed up in a hotel and back on a stressful project and oh my goodness if only I could talk about just how stressful this one is! Is there any other kind these days?
Unlike my previous blog absentee periods though, things are going pretty well food-wise. Despite the stress levels I've not binged - very proud of that!! I've been missing the gym but walking a little more than usual.
I did weigh myself on Sunday night for the first time in over two weeks. It was a good number, but it was also straight after a long flight when I tend to dehydrate and my weight can bounce all over the place... I'll wait until I'm back home again to get a more reliable and consistent number.
My attempts at hotel food aren't getting any better. Tonight was comical. Typical but comical. The steamed vegetables on the menu in this hotel are described as being served "with Little General olive oil". Knowing that these hotels seem to justify their high prices with complex calorie per cents calculations, I figured I couldn't ask for just "no oil" or they'd find some other way to drown my veggies in calories. Instead I ordered a plate and asked for the oil to be on the side.
I very specifically said "just plain steamed vegetables, I'll add my own oil thank you". So what turns up? Oil in a bowl on the side as requested and steamed vegetables that taste of butter. When the menu says they're served with oil, it really didn't occur to me to have to specify "absolutely nothing but vegetables please, no oil and no butter". Seriously!?! At least it was truly only a hint this time and not a flood.
Anyways, excuse the garbled typing. I'd best run, it's past my bedtime and I was up at 4:30am today. Can't wait to be back to normal. I have so much to talk about. We're moving for starters. In fact my marvel of a husband is carrying the can right now and organising the whole lot on his tod - he really has been fantastic while I've been so work-blinkered.
steaming
|
If someone ordered steamed fish, a side plate of steamed vegetables and hold the rice. Wouldn't you get the message they might have a preference for their meal not to be drowning in butter?
Gah!!
I'd had a treat for breakkie (a large toasted banana cake) and another treat for lunch (huuuuge yummy toasted avocado, pumpkin, mushroom, cheese & pesto sandwich) and wanted something ultra light for dinner. Infuriatingly I would have requested "no butter", but for the fact this is the very same meal I had last week (bar the absence of rice) in the very same restaurant - last time there was no butter.
Even more infuriatingly, I didn't send it back.
Sorry, I'm turning into such a broken record with my failures to order healthy food. Note to self: learn to be more assertive in restaurants!
I'm also starting to spin out and stress about my project. I didn't get any work done over the weekend and I'm now very behind and can't see the wood for the trees. After I'd done so so well last week *sigh*
Gah!!
I'd had a treat for breakkie (a large toasted banana cake) and another treat for lunch (huuuuge yummy toasted avocado, pumpkin, mushroom, cheese & pesto sandwich) and wanted something ultra light for dinner. Infuriatingly I would have requested "no butter", but for the fact this is the very same meal I had last week (bar the absence of rice) in the very same restaurant - last time there was no butter.
Even more infuriatingly, I didn't send it back.
Sorry, I'm turning into such a broken record with my failures to order healthy food. Note to self: learn to be more assertive in restaurants!
I'm also starting to spin out and stress about my project. I didn't get any work done over the weekend and I'm now very behind and can't see the wood for the trees. After I'd done so so well last week *sigh*
the unknown
|
Oh how I wish I knew what I weighed right now.
It would be great if I were one of those strong types who could be happy just knowing that I've been eating clean and so eventually my waistband will start to loosen again. But I'm not. No, I really need the reassurance of a number; a cold hard fact.
While I was out shopping yesterday, I trailed the town for a pair of scales and couldn't find any. None of the pharmacies I visited even had a coin operated set. I toyed with going to the bathroom section of the department stores just to "try out" the scales for sale. But unlike when I did this in the States last summer, it had turned rather autumnal here in Perth yesterday and so removing my boots and winter woolly coat would be rather less inconspicuous than slipping out of my sandals was in Seattle.
My GoWear Fit's telling me I've had enough of a calorie deficit to have lost 1.3kg over the last week and a half. I'd so love to put that to the test.
It would be great if I were one of those strong types who could be happy just knowing that I've been eating clean and so eventually my waistband will start to loosen again. But I'm not. No, I really need the reassurance of a number; a cold hard fact.
While I was out shopping yesterday, I trailed the town for a pair of scales and couldn't find any. None of the pharmacies I visited even had a coin operated set. I toyed with going to the bathroom section of the department stores just to "try out" the scales for sale. But unlike when I did this in the States last summer, it had turned rather autumnal here in Perth yesterday and so removing my boots and winter woolly coat would be rather less inconspicuous than slipping out of my sandals was in Seattle.
My GoWear Fit's telling me I've had enough of a calorie deficit to have lost 1.3kg over the last week and a half. I'd so love to put that to the test.
the key
|
Look who's been shopping....
*squeee*
I'm not generally one for extravagant impulse buys, but this gorgeous key was calling me, after a lengthy indecisive dither between the entire range of keys and their assorted chains, tried on in every possible combination, that is.
I may not have the key to life, happiness and weight loss yet, but I'd like to think I'm on the right track.
*squeee*Tiffany's have opened in Perth since I was last here, it seemed only fitting I should pay them a visit. How can any girl resist those magical little blue boxes with their pretty white bows?
I'm not generally one for extravagant impulse buys, but this gorgeous key was calling me, after a lengthy indecisive dither between the entire range of keys and their assorted chains, tried on in every possible combination, that is.
I may not have the key to life, happiness and weight loss yet, but I'd like to think I'm on the right track.
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