tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71811067142061766452024-02-21T21:34:34.777+11:00ani pestogetting the flavour back into my diet and my lifeani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.comBlogger155125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-27953458861478731812010-03-22T08:47:00.003+11:002010-03-22T09:26:10.742+11:00the wanderer returnsHe came home!<br /><br />The day after I'd leafleted the neighbourhood and the morning after I cried myself to sleep fearing we'd never see him again, our daft wee cat turned up with a big whinging meow at the bedroom door. Such a relief. I've no idea where he'd been, he was hungry and covered in scratches and scabs but thank goodness he's home and safe - and grounded!<br /><br />I let the cat traumas take over my life for the last week or so. What with Higgins' absence and Alfred's constant care, medication and vet visits, everything else had been put on hold and that included exercise. There was a lot of walking around the neighbourhood, but not a lot else.<br /><br />There was some VERY good news in all this though. Despite all the stresses and anxieties, for once I didn't emotionally eat. I stuck to the plan religiously. I think the main thing that got me through is that I'm not doing this alone. Hubby and I are on the same eating plan. I'm doing the shopping and preparing both of our meals; what he eats, I eat (albeit slightly smaller portions). Tempation to veer from the program feels so different when it's not just me I'm accountable to. It's made such a difference. I've shared healthy eating and diets with friends before (<em>and bloggers of course</em>), but for the most part you're still on your own with your own actions. It's always great to have someone to share the stories and let off steam with, but when it comes to the food and daily grind, in the past I've only ever been responsible for myself. This feels completely different and I really rather like it.<br /><br />Another thing that happened last week in the midst of all this cat-nonsense, is that I met the lady I'm going to be home English tutoring. I meant to write about it but had to rush straight home to take Alfred to the vet, then that was the night Higgins went missing. My new student is from Eritrea and has only been in Australia for two months. To thank me for volunteering my time to teach her, she and her sister treated me to a traditional <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Culture_of_Eritrea#Coffee_Ceremony">Eritrean Coffee Ceremony</a> and meal in their home. The whole experience was amazing, enriching and incredibly humbling. Being so new to this, I'm still quite nervous about the lessons themselves but I felt so very welcomed it most put me very much at ease. After all, what's not to love about turning coffee into a ceremony? They're my kind of people.ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-71704198674264016882010-03-16T13:50:00.006+11:002010-03-16T14:23:40.467+11:00if it's not one thing...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcNOIrlEhA72D4yENbygcx3dWB5fwByOlB-LMlA14TLGcM5Fr-HH-_05bvumjHI7e5I75DnWSOg_6sTS3_1YHZ0e31BIG_4h_vOtNP4NDlXOyM10wZm0u-x-v6hgFuMZRZ5OeylQuf4Ko/s1600-h/DSC00150.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 200px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5449064814715475634" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcNOIrlEhA72D4yENbygcx3dWB5fwByOlB-LMlA14TLGcM5Fr-HH-_05bvumjHI7e5I75DnWSOg_6sTS3_1YHZ0e31BIG_4h_vOtNP4NDlXOyM10wZm0u-x-v6hgFuMZRZ5OeylQuf4Ko/s200/DSC00150.jpg" /></a><br /><div>...it's the other!</div><div></div><br /><div>Alfred is home after his operation and hobbling about. The injury was a lot worse than the vet had originally thought, but after a weekend living in a makeshift kitty-hospital in our bathroom, he's starting to walk again and the vet is really pleased with his progress.</div><br /><div></div><div>However, our other cat, Higgins, is now awol and hasn't been seen since yesterday. I'm already totally frantic, he always comes home for dinner without fail. Only exceptions were one time when he was stuck on our neighbour's roof and another time when he managed to get himself trapped in an empty half-renovated house a couple of doors down. He's a total homebody and quite the wuss, he'd never stay out if there were any way of getting home. </div><div></div><br /><div>It's only been a night but I'm honestly an emotional wreck right now. I don't do optimism very well. I just can't tell myself everything's going to be OK and allow myself to relax for fear of having let my guard down to the alternative outcome. I don't know why I do this, it's just as much of a rollercoaster whichever way you look at it. I don't know why I so often chose to fear the worst. It's definitely all part and parcel of the same issue I have with goals and dreams. If only I could get a handle on my emotions. </div><div><br /><div>One day. </div><div></div><div></div><div><br />In the meantime I just want my daft wee cat to come home.</div></div>ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-2168912586994389662010-03-11T07:30:00.006+11:002010-03-11T08:02:01.688+11:00busy being good<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCyIL9HNOMTsoO565kDofI1cxUpKUQYoThyUUBWjOjR-jkCyeUwIFFSlzoJJymK1CvwpuW9T31rwzTktlKFWOk8ykiqfLXxSvBmz1Qqsrw6fxEszTm4eCWimh2BAqu1vmBcPhWGd94t-Q/s1600-h/alfred.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 182px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 200px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5447112306587896818" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCyIL9HNOMTsoO565kDofI1cxUpKUQYoThyUUBWjOjR-jkCyeUwIFFSlzoJJymK1CvwpuW9T31rwzTktlKFWOk8ykiqfLXxSvBmz1Qqsrw6fxEszTm4eCWimh2BAqu1vmBcPhWGd94t-Q/s200/alfred.jpg" /></a><br /><div>For once my few days' absence is not attributable to a slippery slope slip to a downward spiral. Nope, I've just been rather busy, and busy being good n'all.</div><br /><div></div><div>A lovely girlfriend of mine was visiting from overseas. Just about every waking hour was filled with shopping, sitting in cafes, shopping some more, sightseeing, shopping a little more, interspersed with ever more frequent cafe coffee breaks. Despite getting caught out in the <a href="http://www.theage.com.au/photogallery/victoria/wild-weather-hits-melbourne/20100306-pph5.html">worst hail storm</a> and flash flooding Melbourne has seen for many years, it was the very best of times. I talked so much I lost my voice (<em>hubby would say this is hardly surprising, but I think he rather enjoyed the mini-break himself - from me, I mean</em>)</div><br /><div></div><div>I'll admit that I had fretted a little before her arrival about how I'd be able to keep up my clean eating and exercise, but I'm glad to say I took the sensible option and told her upfront. We ate well and she even joined me in a combat DVD on Saturday morning. <em>So great to share that smug "we deserve everything we eat from now on"</em> <em>feeling. </em></div><br /><div></div><div>Now it's back down to earth and the regular routine. Well almost routine. Today's going to be a difficult one in terms of pantry picking and emotional eating; our furbaby Alfred has an operation this afternoon to try and repair the skin and tendons on his leg after coming a cropper yesterday. We're not sure if it was a car or what caused it, poor wee kittyboy. My plan of attack is to distract myself as much as possible, eat only pre-planned meals and snacks and keep drinking so much water there's constantly something reassuringly near my mouth. Get well soon Alfred. </div>ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-51435824403710871132010-03-04T08:40:00.004+11:002010-03-04T09:25:34.356+11:00hidingYesterday I had lunch with my most lovely friend <a href="http://missmilobanded.blogspot.com/">Miss Milo</a>. It was a fabulous highlight to an otherwise underwhelming day<em>. </em><br /><em></em><br />Truly underwhelming: I'd freaked myself out by looking at jobs in the local paper; disappointed myself by purchasing size 20-22 (sob!) PJs in the Target sleepwear sale - only to find they still clung to my belly; picked on nibbles for the rest of the afternoon when I should have recognised the signs of thirst and anxiety, not hunger; and finally, and most disappointingly, ruined a perfectly good ham and made a revolting dinner - which I still ate, <em>why did I do that</em>?<br /><br />But back to the lovely Miss M. She wisely recommended that I write this post when I said how I'm feeling, blogwise. That is, I'd told her how very selfish I feel now that I'm posting again but still not really visiting other people's blogs. Sure, blogging is a great means of journaling and outpouring, but I used to find the real value was to be found in how it opens the door to a whole community. The support and inspiration received from others was worth countless more than any amount of self expression.<br /><br />I just don't know where my head is at right now. I want to be an active part of this community, to offer support, feedback and appreciation to others. I used to feel kinship with those who struggled, be inspired by others' successes, pick up tips and fantastic ideas from folks' experience and experiments, and generally feel good to be part of a loving and supportive community. But now, even after 10 days of being good to myself by eating clean and exercising, I'm still struggling to read other people's blogs. It doesn't matter whether they're fighting to keep themselves afloat or rejoicing at the top of their game, I'm getting the same internal reaction. I feel edgy and anxious, self-disappointment, self- hatred even. Above all, I think what I feel is shame.<br /><br />I thought it was only my friends and family in the UK and Perth I was hiding from. I hadn't realised how much I was hiding from my virtual friends too. Strange really, these are people who don't know my real name, haven't even seen my whole face, and who I've known only a very short time. But in their presence the emotions are very much the same.<br /><br />I need to deal with my issues because no matter how much writing this blog is, by its nature, all about me; it's only worthwhile when it's also a gateway to you. Has anyone else felt this way? How did you get past it?ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-31655181562809010992010-03-03T11:37:00.008+11:002010-03-03T22:27:06.557+11:00don't lose your head<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWVEyrTYwbSErUhPPmiec_Up-mensqF42dwWYGf21j0Xi1zAYvBPYqXLFm5h3PCbkQfg-HULtlDw3Q24qtLqN13rlZYJJH1CZnacDcucyg1d5I3eY919hC97H-tBaF33ZZk8ydzXYgP4s/s1600-h/10_story_Obesity.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 220px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 168px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5444346355576816786" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWVEyrTYwbSErUhPPmiec_Up-mensqF42dwWYGf21j0Xi1zAYvBPYqXLFm5h3PCbkQfg-HULtlDw3Q24qtLqN13rlZYJJH1CZnacDcucyg1d5I3eY919hC97H-tBaF33ZZk8ydzXYgP4s/s320/10_story_Obesity.jpg" /></a><br />I really hadn't wanted to do my exercise today. But as I settled down to procrastinate in front of the TV, a piece came on the breakfast show about obesity; containing (of course) the ubiquitous montage of headless fatties.<br /><br />My recurring dread of one day recognising my own torso on the telly was MORE than enough to whip me back into focus. Exercise done.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">p.s. something else I've been procrastinating about is to update the sidebar with my current girth since getting back up to 120kg again. Until I can bring myself to do so, I apologise for the false advertising.</span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">*update* simply fixed by removing the numbers altogether, d'oh! why didn't I think of that?<br /><br /></span><span style="font-size:78%;"></span>ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-12702417747800057622010-03-02T07:46:00.006+11:002010-03-02T15:05:18.458+11:00domestic goddess<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqkj5W0kzB6rUIOQeu3x1bOFXnlQa6HxhTZR1WTTokEnYJfI80ByIhiZiRNWP-v51ssEuqsxDeyboi4-0S2OAdiRXzWl436S7SIhheFZei6RDtu1v8qx5Y0ow5WPNUczIDG_pNIseV2VY/s1600-h/concept.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 208px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqkj5W0kzB6rUIOQeu3x1bOFXnlQa6HxhTZR1WTTokEnYJfI80ByIhiZiRNWP-v51ssEuqsxDeyboi4-0S2OAdiRXzWl436S7SIhheFZei6RDtu1v8qx5Y0ow5WPNUczIDG_pNIseV2VY/s320/concept.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5443882557535594050" /></a><br />I think I've been bodysnatched by a 1950's housewife!<br /><br />Seriously.<br /><br />Whoever has the real Ani, please look after her. This alien-Ani's having a ball and might not want to leave.<br /><br />You see, lately hubby's upped his own exercise and has been following a pretty serious programme of weights and cardio. With it comes a nutrition plan, which, until recently, he'd been largely ignoring. At the weekend I sat down with his plan and my fab <a href="http://www.kikki-k.com/shop/category/interests/food-and-cooking/">kikki.K</a> meal planner pad and worked out the week's food for the both of us.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirkz0taCkVusdxcP5wRZ5s8r6lh9RUw9AbOUc6WY2w1Xf80O3zdQdedMU5niILwVT2q-FDUTKP6k4q3o4m7prn4Z4qa-HjXjoeVmt_Cd9umEJKs1NCZhTKaxmY-e5NCn2uEQCzodePbu8/s1600-h/cooking_hero.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 126px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5443868750203549650" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirkz0taCkVusdxcP5wRZ5s8r6lh9RUw9AbOUc6WY2w1Xf80O3zdQdedMU5niILwVT2q-FDUTKP6k4q3o4m7prn4Z4qa-HjXjoeVmt_Cd9umEJKs1NCZhTKaxmY-e5NCn2uEQCzodePbu8/s320/cooking_hero.jpg" /></a> <div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; FONT-SIZE: 78%"><em>picture borrowed from kikki.K website</em></div><br /><br />I figured out my shopping list and trotted off to the supermarket, filling my trolley with a wide array of food and multi-size food containers.<br /><br />I realise this may be very run of the mill for many folk, but for me - a non-cook<em>; sure I'll bake a cake from time to time, but meal-preparation is not a task I've ever really enjoyed</em> - this is bizarre and unusual behaviour.<br /><br /><em>Monday</em>:<br /><ul><li>awoke at 6am to blend a beautiful mixed berry and banana smoothie to start us on our day </li><li>dropped hubby at the train station complete with a lunchpack containing turkey, ham & pickle sandwich (<em>made all the more perfect by the delicious homemade sourdough bread hubby was busy creating while I was with the girls on Saturday night</em>) and a handful of pecans for attacks of the nibbles</li><li>slotted in an hour's exercise before returning to the station to catch a train into the city for my volunteer position, resplendent with my own lunch pack and ham sandwich (<em>no free-food lunch panics for me today</em>)</li><li>arrived home with just enough time ahead of hubby to pre-make the homemade turkey burgers (<em>using, of course, breadcrumbs from hubby's sourdough</em>) and started prepping veg before it was time again to return to the station for "how was your day dear?"</li><li>after a yummy, (and very healthy), dinner, it was back to the stove to grill chicken breasts, dice feta and create a salad for hubby and my lunch today. <em>The pride I felt at the sight of his perfectly compartmentalised salad container (salad in the main part, grilled Portuguese chicken breast in another, feta in a wee pot and a snug little space for more snacky pecans), should honestly not be allowed.</em></li></ul><br /><em>Today:</em><br /><ul><li>began again with another fabulous breakfast and even more exercise</li><li>with Dr. Phil providing background noise, I spent the next short while roasting pumpkin for homemade soup; experimenting with a few spices along the way even (this is getting exotic now) and working up the perfect hunger for my own grilled chicken salad lunch</li><li>with the soup ready for tonight (<em>more sourdough naturally</em>), all that's left to do is make the tuna bean salad, and more importantly pick out the perfect storage container, for tomorrow's lunch pack.</li></ul><br />And the moral of this story? <br /><br />So long as it involves fabulous stationery and can appeal to my creative (and perfectionist) tendencies, I really can do anything.ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-65157142647168094672010-02-27T15:16:00.003+11:002010-02-27T15:25:03.844+11:00every day a new dayI wouldn't quite go so far as saying I had a spring in my step, but I certainly awoke a little chirpier today. I caught up on my exercise, even doing pull-downs in the rain on our rusty old gym equipment, and I've eaten clean. Tonight I'll be meeting with some of the lovely lady bloggers of Melbourne for dinner. All up, a good day to be had.ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-54509345707006714872010-02-26T14:22:00.003+11:002010-02-26T14:48:00.325+11:00ups and downsStruggling a bit today.<br /><br />There are a number of possible reasons and I'm not sure which are the symptoms and which are the causes. Prime suspect at this stage is the simple existence of a To Do list and how much that's filling me with anxiety. I'm procrastinating badly.<br /><br />I'm also suffering with a few aches and pains; a strained shoulder, stiff knee, and general muscle fatigue, all adding up to the reason I haven't exercised today. I'm pretty sure it's more likely to be just my flatness that's really preventing me, and not the twinges, they're most certainly not insurmountable.<br /><br />I ventured back out to blogland to see if I could take some inspiration and catch up with a few old friends, I don't think I'd opened my reader for about 6 months. This brought with it mixed emotion; some good, some sad and some just a bit too much for me. I certainly wasn't mentally prepared to stumble across someone who had been heavier than me last May, but has since reached a slim and healthy goal weight. She looks amazing. She deserves every inch of that illuminating smile. <br /><br />Problem is I'm now struggling not to turn the positive emotion I feel for her into negative energy towards myself. <em>What she has done, I once almost did... and then f*cked up. What she has done, I've been recently failing to do. </em>These are things I can't change. I'm not her and she's not me. Why waste my energy on things I cannot change? Truth is I'm not sure I know how to make that choice.<br /><br />I have no particular message, no conclusions or lessons learned from this. I merely wanted to document where I'm at and to get back into the habit of facing up to the downs. You'll have seen by now I am far more comfortable baring the ups in public, the downs get eaten mostly in private.<br /><br />So far no eating....ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-24567291119132885532010-02-24T13:44:00.003+11:002010-02-24T14:16:48.745+11:00the clean continuesAnother couple of clean days gone by and I've even managed some exercise. It wasn't a pretty sight. My 120kg body has a strong memory of what it could do at 85kg and gym-fit, and forgot to adjust for the extra blubbiness factor. <br /><br />I was doing my best to follow a DVD program when my legs simply gave way and I collapsed in a slow motion heap on the floor. I'm sure it would have been the funniest spectacle, I flayed about and tumbled, somehow simultaneously banging my knees and falling on my backside. The entire movement was reminiscent of one of those mechanical contraptions where it starts with a ball-baring rolling down here, which tips the cup over there, which then hits the cog thing somewhere else and eventually that tiny first movement crescendos into the big whoop bang crashing finale; only instead of the ball-baring and a bunch of mechano, there lay a fallen Disney dancing hippo.<br /><br />I sat on the floor for a moment and then like a toddler, in shock about what had just happened, I bawled my eyes out. <br /><br />But what happened next is no doubt the reason I've been flying high ever since: I walked my knees out to loosen them again, changed the DVD to a simpler program, and knocked off a 30 minute workout. <em>'Course in it's evilness the darn new program would have the very same exercise that had me flying in the first place, but I managed to take it easy and make it all the way through.</em> <br /><br />When I awoke this morning all my muscles gave me that reassuring scream of post-workout glory, <em>read: pain!</em> Muscles that had forgotten they even had a purpose in my body are now smugly letting me know they exist. <br /><br />It's a small step, but so very very huge in its significance. Thank you for sticking through it with me, and giving me your support.ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-70652039826674568112010-02-22T21:42:00.004+11:002010-02-23T06:57:12.894+11:00replayOnly got a moment to write - <em>and it's going to take longer than that to reply to the wonderful comments I got yesterday. There was a lot of truth and wisdom in them, I even showed my hubby, thank you ladies (and no you were neither offensive, blunt nor babbling)</em> - but just wanted to speed-blog to say that I've had 3 clean days. The day after <a href="http://ani-pesto.blogspot.com/2010/02/yesterday-case-study.html">yesterday</a> was just fine.<br /><br />I recognise there's a process at play here. By the time I'd come to post my shame, and before anything had come good, it had already begun. The same every time. If I could only burn it to disk and make a handy play button ready for next time, then I wouldn't have to go through this cycle for more than a day. No more 10, 20 or 30kg weight gains EVER again. That would be bliss. <br /><br />Night all. Day 4 here I come.....AGAINani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-57903424475902724212010-02-20T12:34:00.002+11:002010-02-20T13:36:37.279+11:00yesterday - a case studyIt's been a while and my brain's been over-working. I've written so many blog posts in my head, but nowt translated into actual keyboard action. Now that I'm here though, I risk taking you on a messy path through a whole lot of self analysis in one giant befuddled muddle, <em>and we all know how much you'd want to read that</em>. So instead I'll narrow the focus down just a little:<br /><br /><strong>Yesterday:</strong><br /><br />As with every day, I woke up with plans of how to get through the day in a healthy manner. All the while trying to hush the hateful thoughts directed towards myself in my head. Carefully considering how to find a balance: <ul><li>getting a little exercise without risking overdoing it and setting myself up for non-perfection failure; </li><li>eating healthily, but not so restricted that I feel deprived, now that I'm out of the habit.</li></ul>Balance is most definitely the key that has worked for me in the past. I was aware of the potential danger points: <ul><li>supermarket shopping,</li><li>going out without breakfast,</li><li>being forced to venture into a cafe then being swayed by yumminess if the healthy options are less than yummy.</li></ul>I planned counter actions and avoidance. <br /><br /><em>So that was the plan. How did it work out?</em><br /><br />It wasn't the best of starts, I found myself running late for the train and left without breakfast - <i>wa wa oops!</i> But with a clear head I popped into a cafe and ordered a coffee (<em>small</em>) with a slice of banana bread (<em>on the large side, and a tightrope trigger that could have gone either way</em>). I ate half, decided it was enough and threw the rest in the bin - <i>woohoo!</i><br /><br />Arriving at my destination I felt pretty good. I settled down contentedly into the morning. This was my first day in a new volunteer role; a bit daunting but so far so good. At lunch time, so it transpired, all volunteers get fed for free. <em>Danger, Possible Diversion Ahead!</em> I waited in line, holding my plate with a lot of trepidation, I'd seen a plate of pies being carried in ahead of me. This was a charity after all and they serve whatever has been donated that day. To my relief I was able to fill my plate with steamed rice, vegie stew, roast carrots and potatoes and a small side serving of tomato salad, a potential minefield overcome - <i>woohoo!</i><br /><br />Problem was in that word "fill". I felt full. I'd deliberately ensured I had enough to eat so that I wouldn't go hungry but instead I'd gone the other way. Sure it was good and healthy, this was the kind of full that feels extremely satisfying during a smug healthy kick, but my brain wasn't going to be fooled. Oh no, my brain connected all the dots and spelled out b-i-n-g-e. <i>Yeah I know, totally wacko crazy right. Don't go looking for logic round these parts</i>.<br /><br />So what next?<br /><br />Well I went to the nearest food court and systematically ate my way around it of course; cheesecake, pancakes, apple pie, cookies, even some strange savoury sausage donut construction. BINGE.<br /><br />I know it makes no sense. I know what I have to do. I know what a mess I am. I know how good I <em>could </em>feel. I know a lot, and much much more. <i>If there's one thing my career coach and previous counsellors are all in agreement about, it's how self aware I am.</i><br /><br />I know, right.<br /><br />So why am I not doing?ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-11375447855675065322010-02-19T18:40:00.009+11:002010-02-19T19:02:46.900+11:00lookawaybookIf I ever told the whole truth about what's on my mind, it might look something like this: <br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL4fKflPj3YBOM1sG4nmiWrnhi9R_988kFFdUS9jnzrMsJBrY_FhN7nclUjTDaCTksg70jcp0c2-kqF4Nz3oPKijUGTh_p8RxNXn8esdNTJSnQ0gKEOlDy0Y21U2gjKvZQfQN5D5XFqR8/s1600/faceaway.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width:435px" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL4fKflPj3YBOM1sG4nmiWrnhi9R_988kFFdUS9jnzrMsJBrY_FhN7nclUjTDaCTksg70jcp0c2-kqF4Nz3oPKijUGTh_p8RxNXn8esdNTJSnQ0gKEOlDy0Y21U2gjKvZQfQN5D5XFqR8/s1600/faceaway.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5439859723066273682" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">* and if you do happen to know me on Facebook please don't mention a thing on it, I find it hard enough opening up in private, I'd be gutted if anyone joined the dots.</span>ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-17740973630575990422010-01-12T10:10:00.008+11:002010-01-12T18:17:44.892+11:00the meaning of life<img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRyhjVGJRb7bUj2JKRB203TL-D83xATHwIMckFkaNLRWSAyfrabWOVFX7D2PFzmEHQ2HuNJMwRONF2kYcdRGn02bo8k4fJQhQ8AffwS3lz6UJ9Z8ydgeEdFKX8805aB3Lxv4lPnEleHRY/s200/whippersnipper.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5425635775360204146" /><br />Career coaching is going really well. My homework for this week is to set myself a vision. I have a worksheet to fill in, covering questions about my passions, interests and purpose in life. <br /><br />I've never had much direction, I'm sure I've spoken before about how hard I find it to make goals. Previously in my career, as in my life, I've merely followed the twists and turns in the road as they open. For someone like me, this exercise is no mean feat. To help with the task of defining how I want my life to look, my coach gave me a "Life Purpose Guided Meditation".<br /><br />So this morning, after dropping off hubby at the train station, I settled down in a comfy chair and started to listen. The meditation took me to a gorgeous beach with pristine turquoise sea, <em>not at all difficult to let my mind go there, it was already 33°C and barely 7am, I really could have done with dipping my toes in the ocean</em>. In a beautiful rockpool I was to start seeing a glimmer of how life is going to look in 10 years' time; where is home and what does it look like, what occupies my time and keeps me busy; what does work look like, what kind of people, what type of atmosphere?<br /><br />I could picture exactly what I wanted my home life to look like, but I really did struggle somewhat with work. I tried to imagine walking in somewhere and saying "good morning" to my colleagues - what type of people were they, what kind of a building is it, am I office based or where am I, and most importantly (<em>of course</em>) do we have coffee breaks or is there a nice cafe nearby?<br /><br />All my answers were rather vague.<br /><br />As the meditation finished, I filled in a couple of questions on my questionnaire then had an overwhelming desire to do some gardening. <em>Believe me, my husband will have just fallen off his chair as he read that. Ani - gardening - unprompted?!!</em> <em>I did mention the crazy hot temperature today yeah? </em>I whipper-snippered the lawn until the funny plastic red string ran out and stopped me in my tracks. Then, undeterred, <em>and despite not being quite inspired enough to get my butt into gear and go to Bunnings to buy some more</em>, I moved my energy inside and hoovered the whole house instead.<br /><br />I'm now feeling somewhat smug, <em>and so far not at all inclined to overeat,</em> I've even worked up quite a sweat. So there you have it, my life purpose is to do chores and housework, hubby will be delirious ;-)ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-56179401246277644512010-01-05T13:24:00.002+11:002010-01-05T13:38:20.779+11:00later<em>Happy New Year! I hope you're all doing well out there and 2010 is bringing good things.</em><br /><br />Christmas hiatus is over and here I am jobless and not quite sure what I should be doing. Should I be running out there to do this and that, poking my head into every crevasse in case it might become an opportunity or a direction clue? Or should I be taking it easy, having a break and learning how to relax, trusting that all good things will come in good time?<br /><br />The stress and anxiety hasn't lifted and I'm scared that with no focus it wouldn't take much to turn into depression. My weight is still on the up. Life is a constant battle to overcome procrastination. One teensy thing at a time I'm getting through it, but I know I'm not functioning on all cylinders. I keep putting off everything, <em>writing here in the blog for one</em>, I even have some Christmas presents still not yet sent. Most of all I've avoided making resolutions - <em>at least that way I can't break them hey.</em>ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-67620758750030541712009-12-17T08:29:00.003+11:002009-12-17T08:59:28.152+11:00the lastsThe finish line is in site. I'm into the "lasts" - I'm into my last week in the job, I finished my last client project, sending out my last emails, just had my last pay cheque (<em>eeeeep!</em>). It's all untrodden path from here on.<br /><br />Thing is, I still feel stressed out and I'm still bingeing. I think I expected to feel a huge weight lift off and just be able to walk away into the sunset a brand new woman. I've now come to realise it's going to take a little while to adjust before that's even close to being possible.<br /><br />Thank you so much <a href="http://kpfpk.blogspot.com/">K not Kay</a> (and of course <a href="http://mizfitonline.com/">MizFit</a> and <a href="http://idiet.blogspot.com/">Kathrynoh</a>) for your comment to my last post. Learning to losen the safety belt is definitely a good goal.<br /><br />I've been doing so much thinking lately - about opportunities, triggers, being true to myself - about all sorts of things. I hope to find some time to get these thoughts out in forthcoming posts. Pretty soon I'll have all the time in the world to do so.ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-75133095625950354272009-12-06T13:24:00.003+11:002009-12-06T14:00:50.109+11:00eye openingI go through the same processes each time.<br /><br />At the beginning I'm just lost, then comes self-hatred as everything starts to unravel. I hate what I see in the mirror, hate what I've become, hate what I've done. As the weight piles back on I'm uncomfortable in my clothes, uncomfortable in my skin. I go into hiding, disconnected and angry at myself. I beat myself up, all the while continuing to spiral out of control.<br /><br />Eventually there's a shift. A subtle one. Instead of anger and hate I start to feel regret. I mourn what I've done to myself. It's an eye-opener, I can't really describe the subtle difference. It's not like I couldn't see the weight piling on all along, but I couldn't *really* see it. This new way is quiet, it's calm, it's loving, not hating.<br /><br />I can't really say what I mean, can't quite describe what I'm trying to get at. I figure that's not such a bad thing, someone once told me that when thoughts are so jumbled that you can't communicate them, that's when they're the most honest; the most raw, most true to your emotions. It's then that my feelings are trying to communicate directly, without over-analytical brain having a chance to edit and re-interpret.<br /><br />I think of myself as an emotional person, driven far too much by my emotions. Yet do I ever really listen to them?<br /><br />At the moment I'm a bit stuck in the self hatred. I have no clothes that fit, I'm paying no attention to my appearance, taking no pride or care in myself. But just now, I had a glimmer, a fleeting thought based on genuine care and love for myself. I need to figure a way to turn to that thought and keep it going. It might be the same process each and every time, I might have a good insight into it but I still don't have a lot of control over it.<br /><br />Here we go again...<br /><br />This is the third time on this cycle for this blog alone. Just like the last time I'm questioning the repetitive nature of it all, wondering if people will get sick of me. But I need to learn and I'm just going to have to keep going round this rollercoaster until I've figured it out.<br /><br />Safety belts on, here we go again.ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-81308335650047238042009-12-01T14:51:00.003+11:002009-12-01T18:35:20.856+11:00ani in a nutshellIn my quest to find a new path I just dug out one of those personality assessment thingamajigs I did for a job interview a few years ago. It was the kind where you answer a couple hundred questions and it churns out an automated report.<br /><br />You'd think I might have picked up on the hint back then that computers weren't really my bag of fulfillment, but curiously this still ranked me as suitable for the software consultant job I was going for at the time.<br /><br />Its summary:<br /><br /><ul><em>Ani's task preferences are (in order of preference):<br /><br /></em><em><ul><li>doing something artistic <li>thinking about and trying new ways to do things <li>working with her hands <li>doing something that helps others or society <li>analyzing facts <li>problems and decisions <li>organizing something <li>teaching <li>fixing or repairing something <li>researching or learning new information.</li></ul><br />Ani prefers to avoid the following tasks (listed according to greatest dislike first):<br /><br /><ul><li>working with numbers <li>driving a vehicle <li>working with computers <li>doing physical work</em></li></ul><em><br />Ani would be interested in work that involves animals, travel, writing/language, food, health/medicine and plants.<br /><br />Ani lacks interest in electronics.<br /><br />Ani needs a work environment that involves working as part of a team, working with the general public and working indoors.<br /></em></ul><br />I'd forgotten just how spot on it was:<br /><br /><ul><em>Ani is currently somewhat discouraged about the future. Ani is helpful and responsive to others' needs. Ani has a very strong intention to improve herself. Ani is extremely empathetic and warm, however Ani may at times become a little overly emotional. Ani tends to be reasonably open-minded, making it easier to communicate with people who have different ideas. There are some interpersonal areas in which she could improve. Ani may often have difficulty being frank or direct. Ani has difficulty expressing her own wants and needs. Ani has very low self-esteem. Although Ani has a very strong intention to improve herself, Ani may tend to be very hard on herself while trying to improve. Ani may at times be inflexible.</em></ul>ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-65700814103935899612009-11-24T20:36:00.002+11:002009-11-24T22:25:24.684+11:00hello Ani, universe callingI really should get back into the habit of blogging again but it's funny to consider writing (well <em>typing</em>) down my thoughts when I've blocked them up so successfully lately.<br /><br />I've had the most enormously positive response from my big decision (thanks, you folks, you're gorgeous!). Relaxation still seems a long way off while I'm still in the middle of craziness. Last night was another 2am finish. But I'm definitely getting the message it's time to go. First my laptop swallowed and melted my work ID card (it doubles up as a smartcard for authentication) then last night our blessed wee darling of a cat protested in the only way he knows best - he peed all over my work laptop bag. Lovely!<br /><br />Finally just today my other work card, (the one that gets us in the shared building lift and car park), stopped working. <br /><br />I get the message. Time to go.ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-71444694508209831802009-11-21T13:53:00.006+11:002009-11-21T14:41:53.407+11:00my future is a blank canvas<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2D3RZyEOinIh8CGWIh08rTWsA8Ao7lO_60Vd1KOrNkeu23pIPq3PrkniqwRaIoUw5Agi5ctpdQL3qa-zoDoUiGukufIMNABbFHTKxSaT_t6SE4oZKeaZGDIwgjM60L3hW7qvbOjiFWhA/s1600/enjoyingthesun.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 212px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2D3RZyEOinIh8CGWIh08rTWsA8Ao7lO_60Vd1KOrNkeu23pIPq3PrkniqwRaIoUw5Agi5ctpdQL3qa-zoDoUiGukufIMNABbFHTKxSaT_t6SE4oZKeaZGDIwgjM60L3hW7qvbOjiFWhA/s320/enjoyingthesun.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5406395124994854658" /></a><br />Yesterday I resigned from my job.<br /><br />I've got a month's notice to work, including finishing off the stressful project I'm behind on, followed by a week's as yet unknown project, then finally two more weeks back in Perth. A month's more stress but then that's it, this will take me to Christmas Eve and then... nothing.<br /><br />Nada!<br /><br />Total freedom and an absolute blank canvas.<br /><br />As you can probably assume from my absence for so long, life carried on going downhill for me. My stress levels got higher and higher, surpassed only by the speed at which my weight also went up. I curled up in a hole. It's easy to disappear when you're in a new city.<br /><br />I need to learn how to manage my anxiety levels and at the same time reduce the source of that anxiety. This week I made appointments to see both a Career Coach and a Counsellor. I hadn't planned to resign with nothing to go to, but somehow just those two actions, <em>and the support of a loving husband</em>, seemed to give me the strength to do just that. <br /><br />I had also never planned to be in the industry I'm in. I just found something I had an aptitude for and I followed that path blindly into a highly stressful, highly competitive role. I've no passion for what I do, no antidote for the way my job has been swallowing my life. It's time for a totally clean break and, for the first time I'm my life, to take a positive action instead of following the way of passive least resistance.<br /><br />I've no idea what work I'll do and how long it's going to take me to decide on a direction. But I'm going to be as open as I can in finding out my true strengths and values, and in learning how I can apply them to a job that will fulfil me, <em>even if it takes a while and I have to stack shelves in the meantime.</em><br /><br />Thank you to those of you who've checked in on me, your thoughts have been so heartening. I know I can lose weight - I've done it enough times (<em>and as exhausting as it is I'm going to have to do it all over again (!!)</em>) - what I don't have experience in, is losing stress. I have a weight problem, but food has never been at the heart of the issue. When there's no stress or anxiety, there's no desire to stuff my face. I've tried for a long time to tackle my reaction to stress but with mixed success (as you've all seen by my public meltdown and disappearance) so here I am, and I'm humbly trying again.ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-1089605470566109172009-09-08T11:41:00.002+10:002009-09-08T11:59:55.355+10:00with added saltIt's 11:30am, I'm standing in my PJs and slippers making myself a cup of coffee with what's left of the milk <em>after my opportunistic cat took to lapping it out of the jug when my back was turned</em>. Life is back to normal.<br /><br />Well *close* to normal. I'm still 106kg and so exhausted and fragile that I cry at anything, my eating and exercise is all over the place, it's months since I last took photos, wrote an email to a friend, caught up on blogs or did anything just for me, and even today I'll be spending what's left of it working. But it feels close, like I'm almost there.<br /><br />Seriously though with the crying thing. Yesterday at lunch, my dark rye and roast vegies toastie was being made up and the cafe woman started spreading avocado onto both pieces of bread when I'd really wanted pesto onto the other side - the tears welled up behind my eyes. A couple of nights ago when I'd gone out to pick up a coffee and they told me at the counter they were shut - more tears. The morning of my birthday - LOTS of tears. Anything and everything is making me cry at the moment. I wonder if flushing out that much salty water might have a detoxing effect? <br /><br />Thank you for sticking by me and for your kind words, I'll pop by to yours and say "hi" soon enough.ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-64706514885973887252009-09-06T22:05:00.005+10:002009-09-06T22:38:20.740+10:00birthday bluesIt's my birthday. Hubby has been an absolute sweetie and done all he can to make me feel special - pancakes for breakkie, coffee on demand, dinner AND the washing up - but all in all it's been a benchmark birthday for all the wrong reasons.<br /><br />It's the first birthday I've EVER worked. In previous years I've always taken my birthday off as annual leave and never so much as opened a work email. This year - a SUNDAY - I've spent the entire day sitting at my laptop finishing off the document from last week's Perth job, despite having worked on it on the plane yesterday and back at the house in the evening before falling asleep. <em>I guess I'm just a bloody slow document writer.</em><br /><br />Unsurprisingly then it's also the first EVER birthday when I haven't had that special warm and fuzzy "it's my birthday" feeling. <em>36 warm and fuzzy birthdays isn't' a bad tally though hey?</em><br /><br />Age-wise, this birthday also brings me into my "should-be-a-Mum-by-now" age. My mum was 36 when she had me, the youngest of three children. For years now I've had it in my mind I'd be 36 when I had kids, can't explain why, just always seemed poetically right somehow. Today I turned 37.<br /><br />A couple of days ago Facebook played it's part in reminding me just how far behind the curve I am on this one. It's the start of a new school year back home in England. On this day 32 years ago, I celebrated my 5th birthday with my first ever day of school.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZqbsrw-bs1yw2cSjMgsoKWWQrUAgEB2CRuDUjJ4HH_FYFBBoxFBeiTmjSphehc5lbNiMQ4qYYGd5tp3STmUThwkZwmMMwpJALzvPvNI_DKgqe7-gKuGG0mqk0C_6npa5_NCCaw1b8FAs/s1600-h/new+term.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 167px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5378326322301322162" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZqbsrw-bs1yw2cSjMgsoKWWQrUAgEB2CRuDUjJ4HH_FYFBBoxFBeiTmjSphehc5lbNiMQ4qYYGd5tp3STmUThwkZwmMMwpJALzvPvNI_DKgqe7-gKuGG0mqk0C_6npa5_NCCaw1b8FAs/s400/new+term.jpg" /></a><br />That's three girls from my own class in school and note how we're talking high school already for their kids.<br /><br />Me? Well I set myself the limit of 100kg and a healthy head before considering parenthood and you'll remember how I <a href="http://ani-pesto.blogspot.com/2009/04/checking-in-hyc-week-16.html">triumphantly reached that target</a> in April. Now, just five months later and the healthy head's as much a distant memory as the sub-100kg weight. It's going to take a lot of effort and energy to turn it around again and I'm flat out of both.<br /><br />Now I really am just feeling sorry for myself hey, but it's my party and I'll cry if I want to [<em>target reference for 80's gals out there</em>]<br /><br />The good news is I'm back in Melbourne and shouldn't have to go away again for two weeks now. The bad news is tomorrow's no longer a leave day. I've got my annual review, a document to finish and a meeting in the afternoon - holiday cancelled<em>. And yes, I plan to do all that I can to voice my concerns and rectify my current situation. </em>Tuesday I'll most likely still be finishing off the work lose ends.... but Wednesday that freeeeeedom is still safely on my schedule.<em> </em><br /><em></em><br />This year's birthday has been postponed, schedule permitting.ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-7555477415937640942009-09-01T00:27:00.006+10:002009-09-01T01:14:36.206+10:00the view from my corporate hotel roomI'm still travelling. <br /><br />Adelaide finished last week and this week it's Perth again. I never intended to sign up for a job that meant I only get to see home at the weekends, especially when I only moved into that home in one of those weekends and am not entirely sure where "home" is. <br /><br />15 long hotel weeks.<br /><br />I'm still unsettled, still overworking, still hating my job (<em>there I said it! why am I so scared to admit I hate my job?</em>), still bingeing and still repeating that record.<br /><br />Last week I worked until 2am on two nights, 3am one night and a magical 4am on yet another. Clearly no boss expects this of his team members, so I can't help but take a large dose of responsibility for letting it all get so out of control. However many mistakes have been made by those around me to lead up to this; the project was over-sold and the client under-resourced <em>and quite frankly in cloud-cuckooland</em>, yet I still took all the pressure upon myself to deliver. <br /><br />I'm just so darned hard on myself. The perfectionist in me wants perfection - <em>it's one of the few times in my life where there really is just a black and a white </em>- there's to be no allowance for doing the best job I could possibly do given all the constraints. Oh no, it has to be p-e-r-f-e-c-t. And it's my responsibility to work myself to the death to get there. Of course for that I torture myself too, telling myself that it isn't right that I should admit to my bosses how hard I'm working or charge the client for my time; they shouldn't be asked to pay for my inadequacies. <br /><br />Funny thing is, while I'm in the midst of this, I don't see it as perfectionism. I just see it as what I have to do. <br /><br />This isn't a life. I flew home from Adelaide on Friday night, worked on Saturday and Sunday (as I did last weekend and the one before that) then flew to Perth on Sunday afternoon, working on the plane and then again when I arrived at my hotel until 11pm. Today I was at a new clients where I took a workshop attended by 17 managers and senior managers. <em>The workshop thing is an odd one - you'd think people who do that kind of thing might have a glimmer of self-belief?</em><br /><br />Everything's suffering and I'm failing to find the balance that will allow me to get through it all, while also figuring out a plan how never to find myself here again.<br /><br />I've taken a week's leave next week. I'm fully prepared for the first couple of days to be swallowed up tidying up the lose ends of leftover work, but then I'll be free. FREE!! <em>Jeepers, listen to me, it's not like I'm the only one who's ever had to travel, ever had to put in an extra effort at work for a couple of months - woe is me, boo hoo.</em><br /><br />There seems such a connection in my work behaviour and beliefs as with those in every other aspect of my life. I feel like there is probably a very simple cipher, just the one single key to unlock everything. It's all so inter-related.<br /><br />When I was a teenager, my mum need only look at whether my bedroom was tidy to know whether my homework had been done or how my eating was. If any one of them was a mess they all were, if any one of them was in order, they all were. When I can feel good about work, I know I'll feel good about myself again, and vice versa, if I could feel good about myself perhaps I could feel good about work.<br /><br />Next week I have my annual review with my boss (yes in my week off!) and I intend to start putting my plans into action. I don't want to change employer, just change role. <br /><br />Anyways, for a first post in a while this is a bit of a rambled one. Three months of solid travel hasn't served me well. I truly hope that when I look back I can spot all the lessons I need to learn.<br /><br />I get back to Melbourne on Saturday afternoon and shortly after that I plan to get back to me. I miss me. I miss feeling good, I miss all my new discoveries, I miss how fantastic it is to feel healthy, I miss how great it feels when food's not the enemy, I miss being open and I miss my skinny jeans.<br /><br />Thank you again for popping by and checking in on me. I sure do get a smile when I see your messages.ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-15077136683016179622009-08-05T23:12:00.003+10:002009-08-05T23:32:06.534+10:00left behindThis is the time when I need a blog the most but I ran away. I'm sorry. Thank you beautiful people for checking in on me.<br /><br />Life's still at hiatus, I'm now in Adelaide and still working around the clock at a job I'm not sure is right for me. I didn't manage the 2 good days I talked of in my last post during that week, but I did manage 4 good days last week. This week's not so hot, heaps of stress and heaps of food. I'm seeking help and I'm looking into my options work wise.<br /><br />I'm trying, I really am. Problem is my virgo sense of perfectionism says any effort just isn't good enough unless the result is perfection.<br /><br />I'll do my best to be back.ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-53490763764344882332009-07-20T13:39:00.003+10:002009-07-20T13:52:34.984+10:00panicI originally made it through lunch without excess and as I walked back to the office I started to think about how I should pop my head back up out of my pit and post about it. I thought a little about how ridiculous my story is – <em>triumph followed by crash, rinse and repeat </em>– but those thoughts didn’t stop me, I still felt OK, a glimmer of control and positivity. What did stop me however, was the thought that if I post, I can’t binge this afternoon. That single thought sent shivers of panic through me and I practically ran out of the lift to the cookie jar. <br /><br />Food has once more become my crutch. It’s not even a very good crutch, I’ll be the first to admit. But the idea of taking it away seems horrific to me. Logically I know it might only take a few days of fighting this discomfort before I gain momentum and build up strength again, but I’m not getting there anytime soon.<br /><br />I’ve ballooned back up to 99kg, I look tired and bloated. Babies are back off the agenda, I’m unhappy and very lonely (both of which I know are in my head and my doing, people have reached out to me but I’m unable to come forward, I don’t know how to right now). I’m still spiralling and I don’t know how to short circuit it.<br /><br />I’m still away on business and my work is suffering badly. This in turn is affecting my insecurity as I know I’m letting myself and my client down with a substandard effort. I need a break but I’m not sure that in my current state of mind, annual leave at home on my own is going to be the best course of action. I get to go home on Wednesday night and won’t have to travel again until at least a week. I have a meeting with my manager this Friday and plan to ask that I don’t have to travel again for as long as possible. It might be a career-limiting request but I’ve learned I’m just not suited to it, this is the 9th week out of the last 11 I’ve been away from home (though moving house in the middle has only compounded matters).<br /><br />My goal for the week is to have 2 good days. That's all my new trainer asked of me at the weekend when I showed up 2 kilos heavier than when I'd met him for the first time just the week before. Today was to be one of those days. He said for me to plan intentionally which days to aim for so I didn't run out of week. Of course in my perfectionist-thinking head, I was only paying lip-service to just two silly days, no e-v-e-r-y day was going to be perfect, two days just seemed silly and too forgiving of the other 5... <em>see how All or Nothing tips the balance for Nothing every time</em>!ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7181106714206176645.post-48461718418456148422009-07-08T22:38:00.004+10:002009-07-08T22:59:27.110+10:00againThis is what self destruction tastes like.<ul><li>banana bread </li><li>caramel slice </li><li>slice baked cheesecake </li><li>6 arnott's cream biscuits </li><li>slice regular cheesecake </li><li>chocolate muffin </li><li>2 pizza twists </li><li>6 mars bar cookies </li><li>8 chocolate chip cookies </li><li>a box of Sarah Lee baked cheesecake bites </li><li>regular onion rings </li><li>boost bar </li><li>salted kettle chips </li><li>timeout bar </li></ul>I'm becoming such a cliche.<br /><br />So blind to myself.<br /><br />My day started well. I was feeling really good, wearing a new dress, reading the newspaper over breakfast at my fancy hotel, feeling quite the city slicker. Sushi rolls for lunch, all's good. But then as the afternoon drew on I started sinking, feeling out of control, wanting to stick my head in the sand because I haven't got enough to show for the time I've been on-site at this client's. Starting to feel the weight of all the work I've to do and not knowing how to get a handle on it.<br /><br />As I started to eat I told myself that I have to be 100% cognisant of what I'm doing. If I was really going to do this, I had to make it count, learn from it, understand the processes at play and make it right, learn enough to see it coming and know how to avoid it next time.<br /><br />I spend my working life telling clients the folly of fixing a short term need without consideration of a long term strategy. Yet that's exactly what I'm doing, satisfying an immediate food fix despite the negative long term outcome. So what exactly is the short term gain? What is it the food does for me? And how do I meet that need without food?<br /><br />Is it just giving me space? Letting me stick my head in the sand? When I'm eating I'm not spinning, not thinking about all my worries. Is that all it's doing? If so, there are many far healthier ways to relax, why don't they occur to me?<br /><br />What's going on? I had 4 good days then fell at the very first hurdle again. Why give up so easily? Why when I've been doing so well and feeling so good?<br /><br />The more I was spinning and getting anxious about my work, the more every aspect of my self-belief was being eroded. It's no wonder I gave up so easily. In that moment I had zero confidence in myself. In my head I was already a failure. The very same feel-good-city-slicker-chick from the morning, now seemingly worthless - can't both be true.<br /><br />How do I give myself the space to see all this for what it is, right there in the moment when I most need it? The moment when I have the choice whether to eat or not, whether to deal with an immediate need in a way that also helps towards a longer term goal.ani pestohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04634396778826130881noreply@blogger.com9