ups and downs

Struggling a bit today.

There are a number of possible reasons and I'm not sure which are the symptoms and which are the causes. Prime suspect at this stage is the simple existence of a To Do list and how much that's filling me with anxiety. I'm procrastinating badly.

I'm also suffering with a few aches and pains; a strained shoulder, stiff knee, and general muscle fatigue, all adding up to the reason I haven't exercised today. I'm pretty sure it's more likely to be just my flatness that's really preventing me, and not the twinges, they're most certainly not insurmountable.

I ventured back out to blogland to see if I could take some inspiration and catch up with a few old friends, I don't think I'd opened my reader for about 6 months. This brought with it mixed emotion; some good, some sad and some just a bit too much for me. I certainly wasn't mentally prepared to stumble across someone who had been heavier than me last May, but has since reached a slim and healthy goal weight. She looks amazing. She deserves every inch of that illuminating smile.

Problem is I'm now struggling not to turn the positive emotion I feel for her into negative energy towards myself. What she has done, I once almost did... and then f*cked up. What she has done, I've been recently failing to do. These are things I can't change. I'm not her and she's not me. Why waste my energy on things I cannot change? Truth is I'm not sure I know how to make that choice.

I have no particular message, no conclusions or lessons learned from this. I merely wanted to document where I'm at and to get back into the habit of facing up to the downs. You'll have seen by now I am far more comfortable baring the ups in public, the downs get eaten mostly in private.

So far no eating....


The Better Idiot said...

I often catch myself comparing how far I've come (or rather, not come) in the same space of time as someone else has done really well, and it just makes me feel bad. You can;t change past decisions, ut you ca have your next one be the right one. Well done on writing rather than eating.

ani pesto said...

Thank you

It's amazing how many different ways we find to torture ourselves. Cruelties we'd never ever inflict on others.