ups and downs

Struggling a bit today.

There are a number of possible reasons and I'm not sure which are the symptoms and which are the causes. Prime suspect at this stage is the simple existence of a To Do list and how much that's filling me with anxiety. I'm procrastinating badly.

I'm also suffering with a few aches and pains; a strained shoulder, stiff knee, and general muscle fatigue, all adding up to the reason I haven't exercised today. I'm pretty sure it's more likely to be just my flatness that's really preventing me, and not the twinges, they're most certainly not insurmountable.

I ventured back out to blogland to see if I could take some inspiration and catch up with a few old friends, I don't think I'd opened my reader for about 6 months. This brought with it mixed emotion; some good, some sad and some just a bit too much for me. I certainly wasn't mentally prepared to stumble across someone who had been heavier than me last May, but has since reached a slim and healthy goal weight. She looks amazing. She deserves every inch of that illuminating smile.

Problem is I'm now struggling not to turn the positive emotion I feel for her into negative energy towards myself. What she has done, I once almost did... and then f*cked up. What she has done, I've been recently failing to do. These are things I can't change. I'm not her and she's not me. Why waste my energy on things I cannot change? Truth is I'm not sure I know how to make that choice.

I have no particular message, no conclusions or lessons learned from this. I merely wanted to document where I'm at and to get back into the habit of facing up to the downs. You'll have seen by now I am far more comfortable baring the ups in public, the downs get eaten mostly in private.

So far no eating....