shining a light

Thank you for all your support, wisdom and encouragement yesterday. You too make me feel less alone.

I hate that my first instinct following my food panic was to revert to bulimic thinking. If I'm 100% honest, the reason I followed up the pizza by consuming the contents of my larder, was not entirely due to "f*ck it, I may as well go the whole hog" thinking. It was also to do with eating enough to make purging a little simpler; purging I then didn't do (small mercies).

It was just how Losing Waist described. I'm a control freak, I'd done something that felt out of control so I wanted an IMMEDIATE solution.
If I eat bad I want a solution... It is why I struggled with bulimia for a couple of years... that post consumption relief (not actually a turned into a nightmare).

I know that I have to practice accepting what I have put into my body, and realizing that I have a chance to turn it around tomorrow or later today
It's that acceptance part I struggle with. In reality, it was just a pizza, probably not that bad and maybe something my body even needed, just as Ashwee said:
Your body was probably thinking "woh! I'm shrinking! Feed Me! i need to preserve myself" after burning all those calories yesterday.
I need to learn how to accept my choices - good or bad - and move on. The pizza was absolutely nothing compared to what I consumed in the end; consumption which a simple act of acceptance would have stopped from happening. The Better Idiot said it so well:
when your actions don't go to plan it's your reactions that can save you
Yesterday my immediate reaction wasn't so great; today though, I still have a choice where to go with that.

A post Cammy wrote last year has stuck in my mind and shaped so much of my thinking in this area ever since. She introduced me to a beautiful piece of prose by Portia Nelson which contains so much wisdom in its 5 short verses (I'll include it at the bottom).

When I lost my way last year, it took me months and months and a 32 kilo gain before I found my way back. Where as the last time I binged, it may have led to an even bigger binge, but it was only a matter of days before I found that balance again. With the help of this blog I'm doing just as chubrubb said, I'm "acknowledging my behaviour and trying to understand why I act this way". I'm gradually shining a light around the pit so that each time I fall back in, I can find my way out more quickly and easily.

This time I plan for it to be even quicker.

Positive thinking. I am trying to let myself "be proud, for writing about this rather than sweeping it under the carpet" (thanks Miss Milo), I've planned a day full of healthy food and I'm doing my best to accept my choices without beating myself up for them.

Perhaps next time I will have learned enough not to fall at all. I know I can do it, I've done it before.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost....I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in, again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall's a habit....but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.


Ashwee said...

Hugs! Glad to see you're doing better today!


Elsha said...

I have learn't one thing....actually scratch that, make it, I am "Learning" one thing in life and that is...

No matter how many times you fall, you pick yourself up and crawl your way forward.

I am crawling right now, after a fall and even though I am down in pity party for one mode....I am still inching forwards ever so slowly!

{{{{hugs to you Ani}}}}

I may not always have the right words but PLEASE know that I read each and every post you write.

wildfluffysheep said...

This post made me think a lot. I have binged a lot this week. Mine was not just a pizza...

ani pesto said...

@Ashwee - thank you, and thanks for all your encouragement and suggestions over the last few days.

@Elsha - thank you, it's so good to know you are in my corner - as I too am in yours. I hope you're feeling a wee bit better yourself.

@wildfluffysheep - so sorry to hear. I really do hope your week brightens up.

AlleyCat said...

Hey Ani - just read your last couple of posts. What an awesome job you did with the 2 big bike rides!!!! Well done also on posting about your binge/bulimic thinking - acknowledge it, then let it go. You are doing well!!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this wonderful poem. It really speaks to how I walk through my life - sometimes I skirt the issues I've already learned from, others, I fall right into and wonder 'how did I get here again'. I will share it with others - as this is a keeper! I'm so glad to read you are doing better today. I appreciate your process, and your honesty. Keep going!

Cammy said...

I'm so glad that poem resonated with you as much as it did me! It was the first thing I thought of when I read your previous post. :) You ARE on a different path now, and YOU are pulling yourself out of the hole.