When I talked of my tummy being an “upside-down-screwed-up-rumbly-mess” it was by no means an exaggeration. I didn’t last an hour at work this morning before I had to pack up and come home. I’ll spare you the details (poor hubby wasn’t so lucky, he’s heard e-v-e-r-y detail. Whoever said the magic and mystery disappears when you get married?) suffice to say the public conveniences just weren’t going to be quite convenient enough, so I’ve come back to the relative safety of home comforts.
I don’t know what it is about sugar-free gum and mints, but I’ve clearly built up an intolerance to something in their “diet-friendly” ingredients list. I used to get through packets and packets of gum but, just in this last year it’s changed. Now I can’t have more than half a packet a day without my guts LOUDLY vocalising their protest. And believe me, in the last couple of days, with current stress levels, I’ve given them plenty to protest about. Time to go cold turkey on the gum again.
Before getting to work I did brave a personal training session. A silent mantra of “please don’t make me do squats, please don’t make me do squats” got me through it without causing any public embarrassment(!) As I walked into the changing rooms there was a pretty and petite blonde straightening her dress in the mirror. She had on a hippy, blue, flowy, mini dress over a pair of knee-high tan boots. She looked fantastic, you could tell from her face that she felt fantastic and knew she looked good too. It brought back memories of when I reached my lowest ever weight (the bridal lingerie pic to the right there) and how I used to try on dresses I could never afford just for the simple pleasure of seeing myself in the mirror in them. I wasn’t at goal yet but I felt fantastic. Seeing myself like that, I would grow an inch in height and feel a million dollars. It was very same feeling I saw on this girl’s face. It made me smile to think that I will feel that again soon.
As I showered I thought about it a little more. I’d recently read a blog where girls who were trying to lose weight had made really nasty comments about an already slim celebrity. It got me thinking of times where I might have been inclined to be less positive in my thoughts about the hippy chick (or more likely about me in contrast to her, I rarely “compare” per se, but just like how looking at that other lass’s perfect boobs led me to mourn and regret how much I’d damaged my own, I might turn a positive outward thought into a negative inward one) and what the difference might be. I realised that if I were to begrudge her for feeling good about herself, when it’s exactly what I’d like to feel, I’d be declaring defeat of never getting there.
I don’t know a better way to explain it than in terms of food (funny that). Imagine I’m standing in line at a gelato stand because I really really want a mixed cup - one scoop of tiramisu flavour and another of choc chip cookie dough ice cream. I see a girl in front of me buy the very same flavours and start tucking in with sheer delight on her face. I would most likely smile in anticipation, knowing just how good that feels and how fantastic it’s going to be when I get my own pastel coloured tub of creamy goodness. If then the very same scene played out, but this time I watch her taste her ice cream, yet my own request is denied and the shop keeper pulls down the “closed” shutters in front of me, I'm sure I’d be less inclined to feel quite so happy for her. Not in any mean-spirited way of course, I just mean I won't share her joy in anticipation of my own in quite the same way.
I’m not sure if I’ve explained myself very well, but what I took away from it all was the realisation that deep down perhaps I’m finally starting to believe in myself and that I can actually do this again.
If I could only settle my tummy down and finish my document that is ;-)