...comes before a fall.

I'm such a cliche it's unreal. So there I was, glowing in smugly goodness, I'd even looked up to see exactly long ago it was that I could barely even cycle 5km and all was good with the world.

One stupid decision later and all that positivity disappeared in a flood of tears.

Hubby and I had taken the beast out for a drive and chose to stop at a bakery for lunch. I took one look at the grease-fest on offer and knew there was nothing I'd be happy with myself for eating - but - sick of always being the boring one who puts a downer on every meal (constantly fussy about where and what to eat, never has a drink, never splashes out for special occasions, never lets her hair down any more) I thought to myself that it would be OK. After all, I cycled a marathon yesterday. I can have the greasy veggie pizza, I just won't have any chocolate or hot cross buns and I'll watch what I have for dinner.

The pizza wasn't even very nice but I finished every last oil-covered mouthful. The whole drive home it sat in my stomach like a ball of lard. Panic started to fill my head. Perhaps I could get rid of it, perhaps I could do some exercise, perhaps it wasn't actually that bad (it was). Then just like misery, it would seem bad food loves company too, so I proceeded to eat all that I could find in the cupboards - crackers, meringues, fruit bars and easter chocolate.

Just this morning I'd been sympathising with Miss Milo in a similar situation and saying how I wished I had some insightful wisdom, if only I'd realised how immediate my own need was. I know I need to learn from this, recognise a pattern, give myself credit for being accountable (I felt so foolish and ashamed I had planned to keep it secret) and move on.

I know there's a fantastic place where balance lives, I've been there before and I should know how to find my way back. One big bad greasy pizza doesn't undo a 47km bike ride, it doesn't regain 14 (or even 57) kilos, it's just a silly pizza - it just means to be careful on the extras and get back to the goodness tomorrow.

Now if I could just bring myself to press the "publish" button and show my face (full of shame in the midst of all your encouragement and support from yesterday) I will try my best to do just that - move on - back to the exercise smugness, nothing to see here.


The Better Idiot said...

Don't be ashamed to admit it to us, we've all been there (recently in fact). You're right, whatever you ate doesn't 'undo' a 47km bike ride. The fact is, you could have spent the day eating your weight in deep fried Mars bars and it still couldn't take away the fact that you just did a 47km ride whereas before you couldn't do 5km. Binges happen, they sneak up on you, usually when your guard is down. You've recognized it and that's the important thing, to keep going. I don;t know how to stop that panicked feeling that clutches us sometimes (If I did I think I'd be a world-famous millionaire weight loss guru), but I can say that when your actions don't go to plan it's your reactions that can save you. You had a bad half a day, it's ok, just work on not letting it become an excuse to have a bad week. That way lies madness.

Anonymous said...

Blogs are a great outlet to acknowledge your behaviour and try to understand why we act this way. However in this situation, like you said it was just a silly pizza! I would say cut yourself some slack! It wasn't the healthiest option for you in this weight loss journey, but I wouldn't say it was a full force binge either!
As long as you didn't go into "f*ck it, the day is ruined either way" attitude, you're still good! And even if you had done exactly that, just pick yourself up, and carry on.

ani pesto said...

@TBI - "when your actions don't go to plan it's your reactions that can save you" so wise and definitely what I'm trying to work on right now

@chubrubb... definitely time to pick myself up. Next time it's the "silly pizza" route for sure, no more "f*ck it" diving into the food cupboard. It makes no sense on any level.

Ashwee said...

Hi Ani,

It wasn't a 47km bike ride, it was a 47 MILE bike ride! Which more than made up for the pizza..

Your body was probably thinking "woh! I'm shrinking! Feed Me! i need to preserve myself" after burning all those calories yesterday.

I had a choccy binge today- something that hasn't happened for a long time. But it's Easter and that's what some healthy people do at Easter time.

Plan a day of healthy, filling, tasty foods for tomorrow and savour every morsel. Why not make your own pizza on home made wholegrain dough and remind yourself how much nicer it is to create something delicious and nutritious!

Don't forget to eat plenty of protein and EFAs and you'll be full all day!



wildfluffysheep said...

I did something similar this week. Got cocky from a big loss and not going to the gym and over binged on chinese take out. Now all I feel is guilt and am humping my ass to work it off and not plunge back into eating everything I can get my hands on.

Thanks for sharing your experience. Made me feel less alone :)

Losing Waist! said...

I have a problem with post consumption terror! If I eat bad I want a solution, and if I eat well... I want more! Anyway. It is why I struggled with bulimia for a couple of years... that post consumption relief (not actually a turned into a nightmare).

I know that I have to practice accepting what I have put into my body, and realizing that I have a chance to turn it around tomorrow or later today... or resolution right now! Balance is the incredible feeling when you are "content"... I am never happy in the dieting extreme or under strict rules...

You are working on it though...

Miss Milo said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry to read this. As evidenced by my recent behaviour, it's so easy after eating something fatty/sugary to have the 'f*ck it, I may as well eat everything in sight now' mentality. Try not to beat yourself up for it. We've all been there. *HUGS*

I wish I have some words of wisdom for you - I know how fragile and ashamed you are probably feeling. Just know that we're all here to help you, and we're all going through exactly the same issues as you - together we will get through this!

It's such a glorious day outside - hope you woke up this morning feeling positive and proud of yourself. Because you SHOULD be proud, for writing about this rather than sweeping it under the carpet!

Here's to a brand new day :)


JanetM97 said...

Good for you pressing Publish! *sniffle* proud of you!

I'm soooo like that- one greasy/ fatty food choice sending me into a tailspin. Why do I do that to myself?! (like the foiled covered chocolate ruling my world currently) :P

Own it and move one- like you're doing. Yeah for you! and congrats on the bike ride.

Fat[free]Me said...

I love your honesty in this - it shows that your resolve is still there and you will get past this blip and move on.

I am still agog at your amazing 47km bike ride - that is awesome!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for putting into words what most of us live with regularly. 2 steps forward, 1 step back (sometimes) - it's what life is all about. I think when you put so much energy into taking care of yourself - eating right despite what others' tempt you with, riding your marathon, etc, other old habits are bound to come your way and try to strike you down. What's great about you is you bounce back up, and know where to find support when you need it. Please don't ever feel like you have to hide from us - we all know this pain too well, and know how good it feels to be told - it's ok. Hang in there!