I'm almost scared to say it out loud for fear of jinxing myself, but yesterday I didn't binge or eat without control once.
That's a WHOLE DAY!
First one for a wee while. A big deal... again!*
In the middle of the afternoon I'd had a meeting where I felt a little out of my depth and was spinning... I needed food to numb the rising anxiety. I grabbed my purse and took the hall-of-mirrors lift down to the ground floor. Just immediately below the gym is a grocery store and a few steps away from that a cafe. I walked into the grocery store with the full intention of bingeing.
I'd had a good session at the gym and was still reasonably hopeful about my chances of getting back on the wagon again so this was going to be a 'hopeful binge' i.e. one where I get rid of it after. It might sound very odd but to me a binge where I then purge, when I've spent so long binging without hope and so without purging, is actually something I'd generally consider to be a good thing; a step in the right direction. Yes I know my thinking is most likely rather skewed here.
I walked around the shop scanning for good binge food. In the back of my head I told myself I could get by without it but I chose not to pay heed to that, I knew I needed food so proceeded down the sweet stuff aisle. I spotted the toasted waffles and figured they'd be a great candidate, wondering what else to have and what better alternatives there might be I left them be and continued looking. I'm not quite sure when or how my back-of-head was given a voice and listened to, but somehow, in the end my purchases consisted of: 1 x pack of Apple & Cinnamon Baked Fruit Bars**, 1 x Banana, 1 x Apple, 1 x Sugar Free Gum.
My 'hopeful binge' wasn't even a binge at all.
When I got home, my usual scour around for anything edible just one step up from cat food was also a result. I had a small handful of wheat baked crackers and frantically chewed gum until it was safely time for dinner.
It's the first step. Well really it's been a number of steps getting here, but it's definitely a good step.
*I'm doing my best not to belittle it by remembering there was a time I'd take such a phenomenal achievement for granted. Concentrate on the positive Ani.
**Tasted disgusting, ended up not even eating them.