I keep thinking about perspectives. I've never been a straight "half full" or "half empty" girl. Always "it depends". If the glass is sitting under a tap then it's half full, if it's in front of me on a bar it's half empty. For me it's all down to context and direction.
Looking through all of my progress photos from when I lost the 65 kilos reminded me what becoming this exact weight felt like back when I was on my way down. How happy I was. It was a very different set of emotions becoming this weight again on the way back up.
When I've mentioned my weight gain, friends have reassured me I'm in a much better position this time around. This time I *know* I can do it because I've done it before. This time I know how good it feels to get there, it's not just an empty dream I never quite believed I'd realise.
Often though I feel quite the opposite, that it is actually harder. This time I'm losing weight I'd already lost before; so soul-crushing and difficult to revel in that sense of achievement a second time around. This time, while I'm hopeful, it's hard to shake the doubts of past experiences showing me there's no guarantee I won't re-gain it back again. I had been oh so sure when proudly giving away my fat clothes to charity shops, something I'd never done before however much I'd lost.
What I realised in all this is that I could of course see it either way. Both my friends and I are right. What I need to learn is how to chose.
I'm an emotional gal, I tend to react to how I'm feeling rather than objectively look at the position I'm in and chose selectively what's going to be the healthiest way for me to look at it. How do I simply see the glass for what it is and make my own choice whether I want to see it as half full or empty?
Today is definitely half full. It's a good day, great in fact. I've had a whole week of goodness and plenty of mini triumphs.
Yesterday I went to the shopping mall and was faced with a barrage of temptation. I've binged there before, going from stall to stall to get cookies, cakes and muffins. Yesterday I hadn't wanted to binge but I still stopped at Muffin Break and drooled. I didn't feel the need for the binge-worthy full fat giant muffins but pondered instead whether to chose a Weight Watchers or Hi-Bran muffin.
I stood there some time - looking quite frankly like an indecisive dribbling crazy woman - until I realised that my binges are far too fresh in my memory and my position far too fragile to risk either. I didn't really *need* a muffin and I reassured myself that in the future, when I've got my mojo back on my weightloss journey, I will let myself happily partake of either. But that right now, today, I'd best walk away and get a skinny cap instead. Mini triumph!
Somewhere in all of that I'd made a choice how to view the situation. The very same Muffin Break situation I had been in just before Christmas when I'd chosen the high fat variety to be followed by cookie chasers and a cheesecake main course. Yesterday it felt like going with the flow, a decision based on my positive feelings having gotten through the week so successfully. But in reality it was still a decision that could have gone either way, whatever direction I was facing.
How do I learn to bottle the knowledge I always have that choice and not just go with how I'm feeling at the time?
Ooooh so deep and so many questions. Not many answers yet.
p.s. I'm so glad folk have re-found my blog, thank you so much for commenting. This virtual community we have here is such a strong support. I promise not to go away this time.