reality check

I was just reading Scale Junkie talking about body image and reality checks. I've talked before about my own screwed up body image. Back on my former healthy path, I used to catalogue my weight loss with photos every few kilos. Without the photos I could still look in the mirror and hate what I saw. I needed that perspective to show me how far I'd come. I'd study the pictures in great detail and look for changes. I'd relish every smoother line and more defined bone - I especially loved my collar bones, I'd always wanted collar bones. My square shoulders were a revelation, who ever knew they were there?

On the way back up I completely avoided the camera. Photos were no longer my new found trusted friends, revealing fab details I would otherwise have missed. I knew how confronting it would be to see myself and I decided not to face it.

Of course now I'm kicking myself, thinking I really should have just bucked up and faced myself before it got this far out of control. But if I were to be a little kinder on myself, I might remember just how frantic and anxious I was over all this time, I'd question if I was in any fit state to be facing home truths and might forgive myself that mistake (still working on trying to reconcile that one).

Yesterday I decided I was strong enough to see for myself where I was really at. I thought it about time to update my sidebar photo with an up-to-date one. I was completely shocked with the result.

I've said before I couldn't see the 30 kilos and I've also said I couldn't believe I'd gotten back into the "morbidly" obese scale. Looking at the pictures of where I was and where I've come to, I can see every last kilo. There's a whole thick new lining of fat over everything and the complete absence of a waist. I knew I felt fat again I just didn't realise how fat.

So here it is...

Left: 'before' 86kg (190lb, 13st 8) taken at the end of June 2007.
Right: 'after' 112kg (247lb, 17st 9) taken yesterday.

Quite the reality check.

It’s such a fine line I’m trying to tread. I want to face up to it because denial won’t stop me coming back here. But it's such a difficult thing to see in front of me.

I look to all those other fabulous success story bloggers out there who are truly living the dream at their goal weight and I can't believe how, after a lifetime of obesity, I could get that close and throw it all away. I have so much to learn from those folk.

Why didn't I realise how big I was getting? Why didn't I realise how small I'd been?

How can I learn from my mistakes?

Am I just feeling sorry for myself? I'm not sure. Is this another unhealthy way to beat myself up or is it a necessary and valuable reality check?

I'm asking more questions than I'm answering. I trust some answers will be forthcoming. For now though, I'm doing OK. I'm happy I'm back on track again. I'm not going to let this rattle me, but I am going to let it challenge me: Give me a few more months and we'll see if I don't manage to swap those before and after pics around again.