anyone for tennis?

Woke up this morning feeling good.

Yesterday afternoon had been a very different story. I took a table for one at my very own pity party, had a good ol' cry and felt right sorry for myself. Reasons as follows:

• my new bike's gears weren't working. They would crunch and grind forever each time I tried to change them, then just as it felt like it was just about there, it half pulled my leg out of it's socket when all the resistance would suddenly disappear. Not like the bike shop didn't fully warn me this was likely to happen with a brand new bike and that I should probably bring it back in the first week or two for tuning, but I decided it was still worth a sulk
• my hip is now really hurting. It's been a few weeks and I'm starting to realise I can't ignore it any longer and should get a physio appointment; something I didn't want to do because my hips right under the biggest pile of blubber on my body and I don't relish the idea of anyone touching me there
• my ankle is equally hurting, it's been a week since I fell off my bike and twisted it and it's showing no sign of getting better
• with my left hip and my left ankle both giving up the ghost, it was only a matter of time before my knee protested it's increased workload, so yesterday my knee started to join in the fun

And so, with all this pity going on, it was inevitable I'd then cry like a baby and wail about the real reason I was feeling sorry for myself, "I shouldn't be here again, I don't want to be obese again. I didn't even stay smaller long enough to appreciate what I'd achieved, why am I back here?"

In a moment of wisdom, my husband said to me that I can feel sorry for my self for a short while, but then I've got to remember all the positive things I'm doing and move on.

What a difference. Actually giving myself permission to feel bad. It's such a small but important difference. I'm going to feel this way anyway, better I process it and move on than suppress it and feel unresolved.

I have a tendency to get a right bee in my bonnet about fairness and being heard. My hubby despairs. If I think someone has misunderstood me I will keep on and on and on about it until I feel like I've been heard correctly. Hubby, I'm only admitting this here mister, for the purposes of context you understand. I'll deny it the next time you tell me to shut up ;-) I realise now, this is exactly what I'm doing to myself. I think it's wrong to feel so sorry for myself, so I tell myself to shut up and hold it in. It doesn't stop me feeling sorry for myself, in fact it only makes me feel worse as it adds guilt, shame and frustration to the mix. Far better to let the emotion vent and be heard.

Result being, this morning felt like the start to a fresh new day and not a hangover from my party. I don't doubt I'll probably feel sorry for myself again some time, as Karen commented to my post yesterday, I'm grieving for what I've lost. But if, like yesterday, I allow myself to really feel it, I've a better chance of moving on afresh.

I've plenty of other great reasons to feel good today too. Since typing the above this morning, husband bought a new bike, I got mine fixed and we've just been out on them together. Plus, in a spur of the moment thing, we booked tickets for the tennis and the Grand Prix. Tomorrow is Australia Day and what better way to spend it than going to the Australian Open. Woohooooo! I haven't seriously followed the tennis for some years now so I won't know who anyone is but I sure am looking forward to it. Then at the end of March, we'll be there at Albert Park, cheering on Lewis Hamilton in the first race of the Formula 1 season in the Australian Grand Prix. Double Woohoooo! We don't know how long we're going to be in Melbourne so we might as well partake of all it has to offer while we have the chance. All part of the new 'can do' and 'make it happen' attitude.

Oh and in answer to those earlier questions, I figured I'm back here because I just hadn't learned enough to stop myself from doing so. Granted, it was a very quick turnaround from 'in sight of healthy' back to 'morbidly obese' but if I have to repeat a year and let the lessons really sink in this time, I guess it's better to do so when the memory is so fresh.

As part of that learning, I just came across a vintage Pasta Queen entry that describes my body image issues so much better than I could. And I don't remember what links I followed to find this one by Crabby McSlacker, but I sure needed to read it. It's all about the strive for perfection being the biggest mistake in diethood. Reading's one thing, following and internalising the advice is quite another.

Now if I can just stop that Mr Dairy ice cream van from stalking me and I'll be all good. I swear there's a hidden message in that tinkly Greensleeves music....