I'm guessing the sign's not coming. It's not like I haven't done anything to help it along. You would think sitting in my PJs, (real clothes being far too restrictive and uncomfortable seeing as I triumphantly gave away all my now much-needed fat clothes) for two days straight; seeing in the brand new year mumbling like a grumpy teenager, far too miserable to be sociable, would have been the perfect setting for a reality check. But alas no.
Of course I know there won't really be a sign. I know signs, arbitrary lines in the calendar, Mondays and the lowest possible rock-bottoms aren't what make you change. They're just the objects we attribute with meaning when we're ready to change ourselves. How to get myself ready then? I can't see past the murk that is my self-created doldrums to be hopeful enough to try.
I tried re-designing the blog. I thought a spot of colour or a snappy image might give me that shiny new start feeling. Alas though, despite many years of experience as a web developer I couldn't tame the blasted thing to do anything I tried. Preview previewed a blank page; downloaded templates from the web uploaded to errors; nada.
Instead I thought I'd sharpen it up with a picture. Something inspirational from a time when I was happy. Problem is I scoured through my pictures and everything that made me happy then just made me sad now. I mentally rolled all my pictures of slimmer happier days into a tightly bound stick with which to beat myself.
Sooner or later I'll find a way to stop writing posts about longed for future happiness and will start detailing my triumphant journey once more. I just need to see my way there. I've got to do this. I am after all not a moody teenager, I'm a 36 year old career woman with responsibilities, a fantastic husband, a mortgage, two cats and an extremely strong desire to start a family just as soon as I can get myself healthy enough. I can't keep putting my life on hold so soon after pressing the play button.