blah blahdy blah

Yesterday I was feeling really “blah”. I wrote a whole post about my blah-ness but it was so full of blah, I edited and re-edited then chose not to post it.

I feel so bad about being negative in my blog, yet that’s exactly what it’s here for. As well as for sharing triumphs, it’s the place where I should be free to offload in safety. All you beautiful likeminded blogland peeps probably understand this side of me better than anyone I know in real life, and quite possibly better than I know myself. I’m fat because I suppress my emotions under a mountain of food, so I sure shouldn’t be suppressing them from my blog. I think I worry too much about crying wolf. That if I keep being negative now, when things have just started to go right, folk will get sick of my whinging and no one will be out there to support me when I really need it.

Well so far, in the “blah” stakes, today’s not been all that much better. I’m feeling pretty flat, so I’m typing again but this time I’m just going to post it whatever comes out.

The day started with a great personal trainer workout - warm up with weights then a really full on boxing cardio session. I know when I’ve had a good workout because I feel so pumped and have such a glow about me when I hit the shower, this was a good one. However, after I got out of the shower and my red sweaty glow still hadn’t lifted I stopped feeling so great. I’m on-site at a client today so instead of just popping upstairs in the lift, I had to walk to the office. It was only a 15 minute trip but I struggled. I couldn’t stop sweating – wearing tights didn’t help in this humidity, but as we’ve spoken about already, skirts without some sort of rub-protection just aren’t an option at the moment and skirts are the only thing in my wardrobe that’s client-worthy and still fits. By the time I got here I felt so self-conscious about my sweatiness my glow was only heightened as I blushed with embarrassment.

To give me a 5 minute breather to cool down I went and bought breakfast. A bad breakfast. I mean it wasn’t terrible, we’re not talking a fry-up here but it was a bad choice and didn’t make me feel good. I then made it to my desk to face PC, phone and network frustration. These were all water off a duck’s back compared to how totally crappy I felt as I found myself standing in the kitchen, overhearing the conversation at the next desks about how totally car-crash-horror-enthralling it is to watch the HUUUUUUUGE FATTIES on the Biggest Loser (new series started in Oz last night). That’s me they were talking about!

I walked away from the conversation, kept my head up, drank copious water and successfully avoided the staff cookie jar all morning (last time I was at this client’s office their order had probably mysteriously doubled to cope with my bingeing) then a couple of hours later I headed out for lunch. I went from cafe to cafe, searching for something healthy and tasty. I won’t bore you with all the inner conversations I had in each eatery, eventually though, I found a great looking health food cafe and ordered a pumpkin wrap. Bad choice #2. What I got was a giant wrap, filled with nothing but pumpkin and creamy ricotta, full to the brim – carbs on carbs on cheese – no greenery, no salad and no small portions. It might have been fresh food but it wasn’t healthy, the pumpkin was fried and the rest was so rich, cheesy and creamy. My reaction? Well to eat it all of course, every last crumb till I felt completely full and bloated.

I know there’s a big picture view where none of this even matters. Two less than perfect meal choices don’t undo anything. I know better than this. I just can’t seem to step back far enough to see that bigger picture just yet.

I'm hoping that by typing all this nonsense I might get it out of my system and let it go. The other day when I told my hubby the multiple layers of conflict I’d experienced in my choice of lunch sandwich he was aghast at just how much my head has to go through, I think his exact words were “you’re thinking is f&%ked, how on earth do you manage to function?”