Funny thing is, the constituent parts were very much the same as the blah days:
- first off my trainer gave me the pleasure of one hell of a gruelling 30 minutes - wooo - way pumped
- then me, my skirt and my rubbing thighs made their sweaty wee way to the client's office
- I treated myself to a toasted banana bread for breakkie and the bad lass put unasked butter on it
- spilt juice from my mid morning kiwi fruit all down my dry clean only skirt, and
- sat at my desk feeling out of my depth with work stress
But today, nothing phased me. I felt good. I wasn't tempted by the cookie jar, I made a simple choice of sushi for lunch and all was fine with the world. Isn't life strange?
I haven't written much about my goals yet. I know I can be pretty tough on myself in my expectations, and so partly I suppose, I've chosen to keep them quiet. I'm also very scared I'll fail again, so best not to let on what success might have looked like. My first weight goal is very clear though. It's to get to under 100kg. 11 kilos away is the magic two figured number that will bring with it access to 70% more of my wardrobe; the chance to get back on the back of my husband's Harley (I only went on a bike for the first time two years ago and I've REALLY missed it) and most important of all, it's the Dr.'s orders weight for trying for a baby. It's a HUUUUGE deal.
I'm so scared about that one. There are of course the regular fears about fertility and being ready. More than that though, I'm just so scared to get pregnant while I'm still trying to lose weight, is that a screwed up thing to say, how twisted are my priorities but being the age I am we just can't risk putting it off any longer, there's no space left for chancing it. I know there are ways to continue the exercise and weight loss journey during a pregnancy but I'm just so scared about all the triggers it might spark for me. Cravings and eating disorders don't mix well. I want to look pregnant not just lardy. I want the joy and pleasure of a big pregnant belly but how will I cope with that?
There's so much more to all this, so many more fears, concerns and confused thinking. I never thought I'd be writing about this subject in my blog, but lately I've come to realise I need to. I can't put this much pressure on myself and expect not to implode if I don't unload it somewhere.
Has anyone out there been through this? Carried on with a weight loss programme during a pregnancy? Tried for a baby while intensively exercising? Or even before all that, had a goal so huge its very pressure impacts the chances of its success?