inner fears

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Much better day today.

Funny thing is, the constituent parts were very much the same as the blah days:
  • first off my trainer gave me the pleasure of one hell of a gruelling 30 minutes - wooo - way pumped
  • then me, my skirt and my rubbing thighs made their sweaty wee way to the client's office
  • I treated myself to a toasted banana bread for breakkie and the bad lass put unasked butter on it
  • spilt juice from my mid morning kiwi fruit all down my dry clean only skirt, and
  • sat at my desk feeling out of my depth with work stress
Yup, all pretty much the same.

But today, nothing phased me. I felt good. I wasn't tempted by the cookie jar, I made a simple choice of sushi for lunch and all was fine with the world. Isn't life strange?

I haven't written much about my goals yet. I know I can be pretty tough on myself in my expectations, and so partly I suppose, I've chosen to keep them quiet. I'm also very scared I'll fail again, so best not to let on what success might have looked like. My first weight goal is very clear though. It's to get to under 100kg. 11 kilos away is the magic two figured number that will bring with it access to 70% more of my wardrobe; the chance to get back on the back of my husband's Harley (I only went on a bike for the first time two years ago and I've REALLY missed it) and most important of all, it's the Dr.'s orders weight for trying for a baby. It's a HUUUUGE deal.

I'm so scared about that one. There are of course the regular fears about fertility and being ready. More than that though, I'm just so scared to get pregnant while I'm still trying to lose weight, is that a screwed up thing to say, how twisted are my priorities but being the age I am we just can't risk putting it off any longer, there's no space left for chancing it. I know there are ways to continue the exercise and weight loss journey during a pregnancy but I'm just so scared about all the triggers it might spark for me. Cravings and eating disorders don't mix well. I want to look pregnant not just lardy. I want the joy and pleasure of a big pregnant belly but how will I cope with that?

There's so much more to all this, so many more fears, concerns and confused thinking. I never thought I'd be writing about this subject in my blog, but lately I've come to realise I need to. I can't put this much pressure on myself and expect not to implode if I don't unload it somewhere.

Has anyone out there been through this? Carried on with a weight loss programme during a pregnancy? Tried for a baby while intensively exercising? Or even before all that, had a goal so huge its very pressure impacts the chances of its success?

4 comments:

Skinny Inside said...

Hi Ani, I wanted to share a synopsis of my story to let you know you're not alone, and to stop worrying!:-) We married when I was 35, so I was pretty worried about my time window of fertility. I was also concerned about my weight, because all the stuff you read, you know? So, I was *trying* to lose weight...seems like most of my last 10 years have been spent trying... Anyhow, we got pregnant right away. It ended up being an empty egg sack, though. Nothing to do with my weight, perhaps with my age, though...who knows. We tried again, and I had another miscarriage, but the third time was a charm. Depending on your age, I would say go ahead and try! Also, you can check out a great website, google Plus Size Pregnancy, to ease your fears! (((hugs)))

Hanlie said...

You know what I think, right? It is in the best interest of your child to be as healthy as you can be when conceiving and during pregnancy. The genetic material that your child inherits from you is a snapshot of your health at pregnancy. Furthermore, studies have shown that children born to obese mothers will be obese teenagers and adults. And those small kids who get cancer? That's because of the parents' lifestyle factors...

I would recommend getting under 100kg, being relatively fit and eating a very natural diet. That's what I'm doing and I'm turning 40 this year. As much as I want children, I want the best for them, so I'll delay conception until I'm comfortable that my body is balanced and healthy.

If you want to know more about why we should prepare for pregnancy, read this http://www.fertilehealthy.com/blog/2008/12/12/preparing-for-pregnancy/

ani pesto said...

@Skinny - I was 35 when we married too. It's good to know it can happen like that. I'm so sorry you had to go through the miscarriages though, that must have been hard.

@Hanlie - "
studies have shown that children born to obese mothers will be obese teenagers" that's what really scares me and has always been behind my goals to get in a healthy place and have a healthy attitude towards food before considering having kids. I just never considered the possibility I'd start to run out of time this way. My Doc said not to leave trying any later than age 35 to start.

I'm paranoid I'll pass on my disordered eating to my kids. Heck, I stress enough if our cats start getting chubby.

I'm 36 now, if I stay on track I'll be about to hit 37 when I get to my conception target weight and can start trying. I won't have gotten back to my wedding day weight and I won't be near goal but I should have a good amount of healthy eating under my belt and *with hope and luck* have dealt with many of my food/emotional issues. I know I won't be able to do it alone though and have always planned that I'd return regularly to a dietician and counsellor when I consider getting pregnant.

Scares me silly - I've a lot to do and a lot resting on it

JanetM97 said...

I say, don't put so much stress and worry on yourself! You are doing the right thing by trying to get more fit before you get pregnant. :) You can do it- you certainly have a great motivation! It's not like your baby is a little clone of your body or something though. Man, that would be a ton of pressure, eh?

I kept teaching step class through my pregnancies. Most doctors now encourage you to continue with your fitness programs and with healthy eating (though probably not dieting). Good luck!