getting down from the ledge

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I'm not sure what to do with myself. I'm at a loss. I should go out and buy the cats a new bed, I donated their old one to the RSPCA bushfire appeal, they'd mysteriously stopped using it, I suspected perhaps a neighbourhood cat had been in and tainted it. I should also go out and find somewhere interesting to take photos for my course assignment this week. Instead though I find myself fighting a binge. First time I've been this close for weeks. I got as far as justifying it in my head - considering to myself whether I'd purge or not and whether I'd fess up or keep it quiet in my blog.

So far I've chosen neither, no binge to purge, nor to confess.

I got as far as snacking - a packet of low fat chips and a mini meringue nest - no damage done so far. I know I should distract myself and go do something else but nothing else is motivating me and there's a part of me rather stubbornly refusing to let myself get distracted. Instead I thought I'd try and short circuit it all by writing here. If I post this for all to see, I hope it'll be enough to jolt me back into straight thinking.

I do know food isn't the answer, but then I also knew that in the past, even while consuming a dozen profiteroles, 2 frozen cheesecakes, a couple of packets of biscuits dunked in coffee, caramel shortbread and a litre of ice cream, yes indeed, that's a medium sized, real single sitting binge of my yesterdays. While I knew it wasn't the answer, it sure did numb everything out so I could forget what the question was.

I could clean the house, it badly needs it. I made a start on clearing up, in fact I just finished hanging up the last of 4 loads of washing. While everything else should be shrinking, exercise sure is doing the opposite to our laundry pile. Double the socks, double the knickers, boxers and t-shirts and how on earth are we getting through this many towels? So now what?

I could go out on my bike, the husband's riding with someone else today so I'm on my own. Thing is, where would I ride? To the food store? Thinking about, I actually don't think so. The more I type, the more I realise I'm not so far down this slippery slope that there's no hanging on. In fact I'm still standing sure-footed at the top of the slope, merely considering letting myself slide.

Enough with the "could do's" I'm going to go do something and I'm going to do my damnedest for that not to include food. I'll be sure to update later.

[update - 8:15pm]

I didn't binge.

That's the good news and the thing I should hang on to. The not so good news, and thing I need to work at, is that I didn't do anything active either.

I considered cycling to the coffee shop purely for my caffeine habit not the food one, but by the time I got my act together I realised it would have been closing. Rather than making the wise decision to cycle somewhere else, instead I made myself a coffee at home yes we have an espresso maker and yet I'll still pay $3 for the privilege of someone else making me one... bad big-spender Ani and I sat back down in front of the computer. Not *entirely* wasted time though, I had an explore around SparkPeople and logged all my food. I then marinaded the steak for dinner, pulled down all the washing, took yet more photos of the blessed cats and by that time my hubby had returned. No exercise whatsoever.

4 comments:

Elsha said...

{{{{Ani}}}}

Writing your feelings/thoughts down DOES help....so maybe blogging about it will help.

Just know that as much as you want to binge, once you have done it you will NOT feel better for it. Right now, resisting may be hard BUT you can look back on this moment and think that you did good to resist.

Hanlie said...

Well done for talking yourself down... That's the skill we are all trying to learn.

I hear you about the laundry. I was saying to my friend the other day that I can't believe two people can generate this much laundry. I don't know how I'm going to cope when we have kids!

ani pesto said...

thank you so much for your support

I don't exactly feel great but I acknowledge I've achieved something today to be proud of and something to continue to build on.

Cammy said...

Good for you for working your way through the urge! It's not easily done.

When I have those periods of lethargy (and I do fairly frequently), I can *sometimes* get my fanny in gear by telling myself I'll do {insert something other than sitting on my backside here} for just five minutes, and then I can quit. Those five minutes usually turn into something more because, you know, I'm already up...