still

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Everything's still too much and I'm still hanging on but only a day later it's getting harder to be happy about it.

I was going to come here and say just HOW not happy I'm feeling about it:

    - how my legs rubbed today in a way they haven't for over a year and a half.

    - how, to avoid this, I really should be wearing trousers not skirts but can't because I've grown out of them.

    - how much I've got on my plate right now.

    - how much it sucks to be be losing weight I'd already lost

    - how, just as predicted, I'd had yet another day of calorific booby traps laid in my path. I wouldn't mind so much if these were due to fun social events but oh no, another client lunch and another client schmooooz at the end of the day.

I wanted to get home and type all this negative stuff but stopped myself. After a couple of days of such great positivity I didn't want to let everything down again. The general direction had been good; from the bottom of the heap to a place of hope. I didn't want to be ani yoyo, up and down, up and down, never getting anywhere. Oh woe is me whingey ani.

But then it dawned on me, that desire to numb the negative, deaden it, swallow it, shield everyone around me from it is exactly what I'm doing when I binge. Rather than face the feelings, deal with the anxiety and let everyone around me know I'm not coping I keep up the facade of coping and swallow a truckload of food, eventually feeling so so bad - because funnily enough it turned out not to be the magic pill to make my problems go away - that I end up unloading to my nearest and dearest anyways.... only to then feel ashamed and bad and a failure just as I thought I would in the first place. Oh the cycle.

So here I am - even though it's a downer after the positive I'm not going to hide the negative from anyone. I wasn't going to tell you but I did. I had a crappy horrible day and quite honestly I don't feel good that I ate more than I intended and I don't feel good at all that I might not lose any weight this week.

tee hee Jeepers Ani! I just read that back and while the sentiment is all fine and dandy and I'm thinking I may be on to something, I don't half sound like my teenage self.... "blah blah I had a crappy day blah blah I'm not haaapy I ate fooood blah blah blah"

The last journals I ever wrote were as a teenager - page-a-day diaries full of hand-written teenage angst, empty ramblings about cool shows and music, descriptions of what sound like fun parties interspersed with declarations of how crap life is, how nobody understands me and how much I really really really just want a boyfriend. Hardly insightful.

Creating a journal this time around was not just an outlet for my thoughts, it was meant to be a means to track patterns and a way to remind myself of the good and the bads. I thought having my words in digital format would lift me higher than hand-written drivel but perhaps that's just the point. Perhaps that's the very stuff I actually need to express.

I had a shit day. I didn't binge. I don't need to feel happy about it.

But tomorrow I hope to be all the better for it.

3 comments:

Cammy said...

Some days can only be endured.

Hang in there. Let's hope happier (or less unhappy) days are ahead.

Veggie Gal said...

My legs have been too friendly in the past, I hate that, I just want to rip them apart... I would find myself fixated on women whose legs didn't rub together...it fascinates me still... Sometimes it not day to day, sometimes it's really just taking it hour by hour. For me, sometimes its, can I make it 10 minutes without eating? I know it sounds pathetic but it's true... Some days are just like that.. Take care.

Debra said...

Hand in there!!

Good thing about blogging is that you can get your feelings out, which is sometimes better than holding them in.

Hope you are having better days...you have come along way and is very motivating to me.