I just went to the Supermarket!!!
This is a big deal.
A year ago, during the glory days of weightloss, a trip to Coles would have had no greater consequence than a fuller fridge and food cupboard but these last few months I haven't been to the supermarket without binging; either buying binge food at the supermarket and consuming it there and then in the mall or leaving the supermarket so scarred from the trauma of resisting binge food that I then went to another store on my way home to buy some more.
Well today I did neither! I did catch myself glancing at the lemon slices and caramel slices - well anything with a lot of sugar and the name "slice" really - but the food police stepped in, put up safety tape and told me to look away, "nothing to see here" and I quickly obeyed. I also looked longingly at the weightwatchers desserts and other sweet alternatives that in the past would have made a tasty treat but right now they're something I can't trust myself with so they're just going to have to wait a while.
I'm feeling pretty smug.
This is in sharp contrast to last weekend's shopping trip, which was characterised by angst and anxiety. I'd walked around the place clutching my basket just willing myself to be strong enough to get through it able to walk out with something healthy for lunch and something equally nutritious for dinner and nothing else; the rest of the week would just have to look after itself. I was so out of control I looked and picked up one item of binge food after another. I didn't want to buy it but I didn't feel I had much choice, every aisle was a battle and my eyes were beginning to brim with tears. It honestly came as a total shock when half way through a very exhausting shop I looked down in my basket to see just three things: bread, milk and bananas. I felt sure I'd lost and ladened it with sugary goodies. I managed the strength to pick up some "lite" fresh ravioli and left feeling pretty war wounded but happy. This I'm told is a heroic victory for someone with my level of disordered eating so just in case there was any chance of actually feeling good about it I settled the matter and ate the whole lot in a binge.... mushed banana sandwiches, 2 person serving of pasta with cheese sauce followed by a relay trip to Subway (cookies), McDonalds (icecream), the bakers (caramel shortbread), another supermarket (a whole cheesecake and apple crumble with whipped cream) and more a plenty, rounded off by another equally sugar filled nightmare the following day.
Today though there was no angst or anxiety despite many an invitation. After all the only reason I was even in the supermarket was because I needed a shopping trolley to carry the packages I'd just picked up at the post office; the only reason I needed a shopping trolley was because I've hurt my back so couldn't carry the packages and the only reason I was able to even pick up these packages at the post office was because I'd come home from work as my back hurt so much I couldn't think of sitting at a desk all afternoon. This was not a happy Ani. Evidently not a very smart one either... what was I thinking, picking up packages with a bad back - duh!!
I don't know what made the difference. Was it really just the accountability of writing a blog - even though there's no way in blogland for anyone to even know I'm here and read this (is there? I mean I haven't told anyone about it) or is the fact I'd decided to write a blog at all a sign I'd already got my head in the right place in order to make myself accountable? I'm going to ponder this while drinking diet coke and peeling a deliciously healthy mandarin from my recent shopping trip.
Day 3 is half way there :D