yesterday - a case study

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It's been a while and my brain's been over-working. I've written so many blog posts in my head, but nowt translated into actual keyboard action. Now that I'm here though, I risk taking you on a messy path through a whole lot of self analysis in one giant befuddled muddle, and we all know how much you'd want to read that. So instead I'll narrow the focus down just a little:

Yesterday:

As with every day, I woke up with plans of how to get through the day in a healthy manner. All the while trying to hush the hateful thoughts directed towards myself in my head. Carefully considering how to find a balance:
  • getting a little exercise without risking overdoing it and setting myself up for non-perfection failure;
  • eating healthily, but not so restricted that I feel deprived, now that I'm out of the habit.
Balance is most definitely the key that has worked for me in the past. I was aware of the potential danger points:
  • supermarket shopping,
  • going out without breakfast,
  • being forced to venture into a cafe then being swayed by yumminess if the healthy options are less than yummy.
I planned counter actions and avoidance.

So that was the plan. How did it work out?

It wasn't the best of starts, I found myself running late for the train and left without breakfast - wa wa oops! But with a clear head I popped into a cafe and ordered a coffee (small) with a slice of banana bread (on the large side, and a tightrope trigger that could have gone either way). I ate half, decided it was enough and threw the rest in the bin - woohoo!

Arriving at my destination I felt pretty good. I settled down contentedly into the morning. This was my first day in a new volunteer role; a bit daunting but so far so good. At lunch time, so it transpired, all volunteers get fed for free. Danger, Possible Diversion Ahead! I waited in line, holding my plate with a lot of trepidation, I'd seen a plate of pies being carried in ahead of me. This was a charity after all and they serve whatever has been donated that day. To my relief I was able to fill my plate with steamed rice, vegie stew, roast carrots and potatoes and a small side serving of tomato salad, a potential minefield overcome - woohoo!

Problem was in that word "fill". I felt full. I'd deliberately ensured I had enough to eat so that I wouldn't go hungry but instead I'd gone the other way. Sure it was good and healthy, this was the kind of full that feels extremely satisfying during a smug healthy kick, but my brain wasn't going to be fooled. Oh no, my brain connected all the dots and spelled out b-i-n-g-e. Yeah I know, totally wacko crazy right. Don't go looking for logic round these parts.

So what next?

Well I went to the nearest food court and systematically ate my way around it of course; cheesecake, pancakes, apple pie, cookies, even some strange savoury sausage donut construction. BINGE.

I know it makes no sense. I know what I have to do. I know what a mess I am. I know how good I could feel. I know a lot, and much much more. If there's one thing my career coach and previous counsellors are all in agreement about, it's how self aware I am.

I know, right.

So why am I not doing?

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I couldn't read and not comment. I feel so sad reading this. The self-destruction.

Have you thought about surgery to help curb these binges?

sorry if I've offended. It wasn't my intention.

best of luck
xo

ani pesto said...

Not at all offended whatsoever. It's sweet of you to write.

I have considered surgery but I'm just not sure it's the right answer for me.

My issues are very much in my head and I need to get to the root of the problem. Even if having an op prevented symptoms from manifesting, it wouldn't equip me with the emotional tools and strength I so badly need.

Plus after years of bingeing (and purging), the feeling of satiety has never been enough to stop me eating, and pain (in the form of sore throats) has never stopped me purging.

In the past I've successfully lost 65 kilos (143lbs) so I know I can do this without surgery (somehow!). Once I get there though, I need a better grasp on the tools that will stop me turning back on it in the way I am so clearly doing now.

chubrubb said...

Hey Ani, glad to have some news from you.
I agree about surgery not being appropriate when the root of th pb is clearly in your head.
I hope you can find some help, an eating disorder is a disease and you should see a doc! (sorry if I'm being blunt).
Love

The Better Idiot said...

I think you made the right start identifying places where you'd have the biggest problems, and even though your start didn't go to plan, you controlled yourself in the cafe at breakfast.

You mentioned balance, even though you got healthy food at lunch, it all seemed to be carbs (be them 'good' or 'bad'), did you have any protein at all toady? That could have caused some of your craving issues mid-afternoon. I think you're right and it is more of a head thing than hunger/craving one, but still.

I don't think this is a case of what your not doing, but a case of what your doing too much of. I think if anything your over thinking things, and it's causing you to, hmm, how to put it, psyche yourself out? and then you binge.

Mostly, I don't think you think you'll succeed. I think logically you know you can because you've done it before, and if anything it's making this go around harder, but comparing what I'm reading not to what I've read before from you, you still seem a little hopeless underneath it all. I think it's awesome that your trying this again instead of hiding away and not posting, but allow yourself a false start or two. If every day you wake up trying again, you'll go a little further and feel a little better. It may take some time to mentally get to a point where your ready to take on a whole day, but every little helps. Try exercising without worrying about your food maybe? I find if I jsut get one thing going, it puts me in a position where the other stuff starts to follow.

ugh, I'm babbling.