As with every day, I woke up with plans of how to get through the day in a healthy manner. All the while trying to hush the hateful thoughts directed towards myself in my head. Carefully considering how to find a balance:
- getting a little exercise without risking overdoing it and setting myself up for non-perfection failure;
- eating healthily, but not so restricted that I feel deprived, now that I'm out of the habit.
- supermarket shopping,
- going out without breakfast,
- being forced to venture into a cafe then being swayed by yumminess if the healthy options are less than yummy.
So that was the plan. How did it work out?
It wasn't the best of starts, I found myself running late for the train and left without breakfast - wa wa oops! But with a clear head I popped into a cafe and ordered a coffee (small) with a slice of banana bread (on the large side, and a tightrope trigger that could have gone either way). I ate half, decided it was enough and threw the rest in the bin - woohoo!
Arriving at my destination I felt pretty good. I settled down contentedly into the morning. This was my first day in a new volunteer role; a bit daunting but so far so good. At lunch time, so it transpired, all volunteers get fed for free. Danger, Possible Diversion Ahead! I waited in line, holding my plate with a lot of trepidation, I'd seen a plate of pies being carried in ahead of me. This was a charity after all and they serve whatever has been donated that day. To my relief I was able to fill my plate with steamed rice, vegie stew, roast carrots and potatoes and a small side serving of tomato salad, a potential minefield overcome - woohoo!
Problem was in that word "fill". I felt full. I'd deliberately ensured I had enough to eat so that I wouldn't go hungry but instead I'd gone the other way. Sure it was good and healthy, this was the kind of full that feels extremely satisfying during a smug healthy kick, but my brain wasn't going to be fooled. Oh no, my brain connected all the dots and spelled out b-i-n-g-e. Yeah I know, totally wacko crazy right. Don't go looking for logic round these parts.
So what next?
Well I went to the nearest food court and systematically ate my way around it of course; cheesecake, pancakes, apple pie, cookies, even some strange savoury sausage donut construction. BINGE.
I know it makes no sense. I know what I have to do. I know what a mess I am. I know how good I could feel. I know a lot, and much much more. If there's one thing my career coach and previous counsellors are all in agreement about, it's how self aware I am.
I know, right.
So why am I not doing?