panic

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I originally made it through lunch without excess and as I walked back to the office I started to think about how I should pop my head back up out of my pit and post about it. I thought a little about how ridiculous my story is – triumph followed by crash, rinse and repeat – but those thoughts didn’t stop me, I still felt OK, a glimmer of control and positivity. What did stop me however, was the thought that if I post, I can’t binge this afternoon. That single thought sent shivers of panic through me and I practically ran out of the lift to the cookie jar.

Food has once more become my crutch. It’s not even a very good crutch, I’ll be the first to admit. But the idea of taking it away seems horrific to me. Logically I know it might only take a few days of fighting this discomfort before I gain momentum and build up strength again, but I’m not getting there anytime soon.

I’ve ballooned back up to 99kg, I look tired and bloated. Babies are back off the agenda, I’m unhappy and very lonely (both of which I know are in my head and my doing, people have reached out to me but I’m unable to come forward, I don’t know how to right now). I’m still spiralling and I don’t know how to short circuit it.

I’m still away on business and my work is suffering badly. This in turn is affecting my insecurity as I know I’m letting myself and my client down with a substandard effort. I need a break but I’m not sure that in my current state of mind, annual leave at home on my own is going to be the best course of action. I get to go home on Wednesday night and won’t have to travel again until at least a week. I have a meeting with my manager this Friday and plan to ask that I don’t have to travel again for as long as possible. It might be a career-limiting request but I’ve learned I’m just not suited to it, this is the 9th week out of the last 11 I’ve been away from home (though moving house in the middle has only compounded matters).

My goal for the week is to have 2 good days. That's all my new trainer asked of me at the weekend when I showed up 2 kilos heavier than when I'd met him for the first time just the week before. Today was to be one of those days. He said for me to plan intentionally which days to aim for so I didn't run out of week. Of course in my perfectionist-thinking head, I was only paying lip-service to just two silly days, no e-v-e-r-y day was going to be perfect, two days just seemed silly and too forgiving of the other 5... see how All or Nothing tips the balance for Nothing every time!

6 comments:

AlleyCat said...

Awww Ani. Good luck in surviving til ou get home. (((Hugs)))

Fat[free]Me said...

Hugs from me too - you mustn't be so hard on yourself. I too would struggle away from home so much.

Do the best that you can do and keep as strong as you can til you get back.

Miss Milo said...

Oh hon, I so know how you feel. I know how it feels to eat and eat and eat because for those moments of eating you forget about how unhappy you are, and even though you recognise that eating doesn't get you anywhere it's too scary an idea to let the food go, because eating is the only way you know how to cope.

I don't know what the answer is, and I wish I could wave a magic wand and cure us both, because it is just so frustrating and demoralising :(

I'm proud of you for deciding to have that talk with your boss. You know, it's often the ones who have the strenth to ask for what they want that get the best deal at work, so it might not be a career-limiting move after all. A good manager should be able to recognise that you're on the fast track to burnout, and that it would be best for the company to lay off for awhile. I think pretty much anyone would be struggling with as much travel as you've been doing - don't feel bad about it!

Anyway, big hugs from me sweetie. Know I am here if you do want to catch up, but please don't feel pressured - I know exactly how you feel wanting to hide away, and don't think any worse of you because of it.

Take care - I'm cheering for you from the sidelines, and won't stop no matter what you post on this blog!

xxxxx

Losing Waist! said...

Hey. I was checking in... I know the hardest thing to do when things get tough with the food/behaviors is to reach out- or even share.

I hope to see a post soon. I have been thinking about you!

Mama Bear June said...

Sending hugs and prayers your way. Hope you can be at home for a while and chill.
Path to Health

Scale Junkie said...

sending hugs your way! Hang in there.