again

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This is what self destruction tastes like.
  • banana bread
  • caramel slice
  • slice baked cheesecake
  • 6 arnott's cream biscuits
  • slice regular cheesecake
  • chocolate muffin
  • 2 pizza twists
  • 6 mars bar cookies
  • 8 chocolate chip cookies
  • a box of Sarah Lee baked cheesecake bites
  • regular onion rings
  • boost bar
  • salted kettle chips
  • timeout bar
I'm becoming such a cliche.

So blind to myself.

My day started well. I was feeling really good, wearing a new dress, reading the newspaper over breakfast at my fancy hotel, feeling quite the city slicker. Sushi rolls for lunch, all's good. But then as the afternoon drew on I started sinking, feeling out of control, wanting to stick my head in the sand because I haven't got enough to show for the time I've been on-site at this client's. Starting to feel the weight of all the work I've to do and not knowing how to get a handle on it.

As I started to eat I told myself that I have to be 100% cognisant of what I'm doing. If I was really going to do this, I had to make it count, learn from it, understand the processes at play and make it right, learn enough to see it coming and know how to avoid it next time.

I spend my working life telling clients the folly of fixing a short term need without consideration of a long term strategy. Yet that's exactly what I'm doing, satisfying an immediate food fix despite the negative long term outcome. So what exactly is the short term gain? What is it the food does for me? And how do I meet that need without food?

Is it just giving me space? Letting me stick my head in the sand? When I'm eating I'm not spinning, not thinking about all my worries. Is that all it's doing? If so, there are many far healthier ways to relax, why don't they occur to me?

What's going on? I had 4 good days then fell at the very first hurdle again. Why give up so easily? Why when I've been doing so well and feeling so good?

The more I was spinning and getting anxious about my work, the more every aspect of my self-belief was being eroded. It's no wonder I gave up so easily. In that moment I had zero confidence in myself. In my head I was already a failure. The very same feel-good-city-slicker-chick from the morning, now seemingly worthless - can't both be true.

How do I give myself the space to see all this for what it is, right there in the moment when I most need it? The moment when I have the choice whether to eat or not, whether to deal with an immediate need in a way that also helps towards a longer term goal.

9 comments:

wildfluffysheep said...

self destruction sounds really yummy!

Maybe you need to relax a little bit and not feel like you have to specifically try to lose weight or cut down, maybe you just need a break til you get back on less stressful ground.

*hugs* i am rubbish at advice. sorry.

Anonymous said...

I can't even imagine eating all that stuff, it must make you feel just awful even if you do purge it.
Hugs-- I hope that this doesn't continue for long, it sounds absolutely miserable.

Barb

Big Girl said...

I am so sorry... hang in there. It's a big step that you are being honest with yourself and a really good starting point. Hope today is a better day for you

The Better Idiot said...

I'm betting that sushi has white rice, white rice does it to me every time.

My binges taste like:

A entire prawn katsu sushi roll
A kingsize pack of Ghana Toppo chocolate filled pretzel sticks
A bag of 6 raisin rolls
An ice-cream cookie bar
Two custard filled eclairs
An apple and custard filled sugar pastry
A 3 pack of tamago purin

'They' say that every day is a new day, and I suppose it's true, even when it feels kind of hopeless and your sitting on your couch feeling sick and breathing heavily. We just have to hold on, eventually the day will be a new start instead of a continuation of the day before.

JanetM97 said...

yes, tomorrow is a new day. Forgive yourself and move on.

I didn't eat so great today in that I didn't eat a single, solitary green thing- except maybe a green M&M? *sigh* Tomorrow I'm going to do better.

Hang in there, Ani Pesto!

Ashwee said...

Sweety,
Big hugs from me.
I don't have much to offer but I'm here for you if you need to chat properly.

Hang in there.

Ash

Take One Stripper Pole said...

Oh ... big hugs ... we have all been there. I usually end up going to multiple fast food places and the grocery store. When you figure out the answer ... let me know. However, I get the feeling it is different for each one of us. I wish there was a way to realize the binge is happening and change the direction ... instead of feeling miserable at the end.

Mama Bear June said...

No words of wisdom, so I'll just send hugs and prayers your way.
Path to Health

Miss Milo said...

Hi lady, hope you're doing okay... xxx