eye opening

I go through the same processes each time.

At the beginning I'm just lost, then comes self-hatred as everything starts to unravel. I hate what I see in the mirror, hate what I've become, hate what I've done. As the weight piles back on I'm uncomfortable in my clothes, uncomfortable in my skin. I go into hiding, disconnected and angry at myself. I beat myself up, all the while continuing to spiral out of control.

Eventually there's a shift. A subtle one. Instead of anger and hate I start to feel regret. I mourn what I've done to myself. It's an eye-opener, I can't really describe the subtle difference. It's not like I couldn't see the weight piling on all along, but I couldn't *really* see it. This new way is quiet, it's calm, it's loving, not hating.

I can't really say what I mean, can't quite describe what I'm trying to get at. I figure that's not such a bad thing, someone once told me that when thoughts are so jumbled that you can't communicate them, that's when they're the most honest; the most raw, most true to your emotions. It's then that my feelings are trying to communicate directly, without over-analytical brain having a chance to edit and re-interpret.

I think of myself as an emotional person, driven far too much by my emotions. Yet do I ever really listen to them?

At the moment I'm a bit stuck in the self hatred. I have no clothes that fit, I'm paying no attention to my appearance, taking no pride or care in myself. But just now, I had a glimmer, a fleeting thought based on genuine care and love for myself. I need to figure a way to turn to that thought and keep it going. It might be the same process each and every time, I might have a good insight into it but I still don't have a lot of control over it.

Here we go again...

This is the third time on this cycle for this blog alone. Just like the last time I'm questioning the repetitive nature of it all, wondering if people will get sick of me. But I need to learn and I'm just going to have to keep going round this rollercoaster until I've figured it out.

Safety belts on, here we go again.


K not Kay said...

Ani - drop the safety belt, and go all out. You've already started the process by getting yourself out of a situation which was making you unhappy and miserable.

I so hear you. Not with respect to weight in my case, but a destructive pattern I have in my life. I truly believe that whatever it is, it manifests something - for both of us. Just need to find the right key...
The only safety belt I recommend is one provided by the loving, supportive people around.

You WILL work this out.

MizFit said...

wow. K not Kays comment is amazing and entirely why I adore the blog world. I wanted to add that I ENTIRELY went through this whole process a million times (thank goodness there werent blogs or the net yet now that I look back :)) until I found what worked for me.

and K is so right.
for me it was releasing the belt.
losing my safety net.
realizing that fear and worrying was praying for what I DO NOT WANT.

and living.

kathrynoh said...

You've really made me think -- I tend to see body image as a problem to fix but why should our relationship with ourselves be any different to other relationships with their ups and downs.

Stephanie said...

I'm familiar with that cycle. It's hard to get out of the self hatred. Sometimes releasing the anger works for me - screaming in the car, for instance. There's so much emotion plugged up there...it can be helpful to expel some of it.
BODA weight loss