the lasts

The finish line is in site. I'm into the "lasts" - I'm into my last week in the job, I finished my last client project, sending out my last emails, just had my last pay cheque (eeeeep!). It's all untrodden path from here on.

Thing is, I still feel stressed out and I'm still bingeing. I think I expected to feel a huge weight lift off and just be able to walk away into the sunset a brand new woman. I've now come to realise it's going to take a little while to adjust before that's even close to being possible.

Thank you so much K not Kay (and of course MizFit and Kathrynoh) for your comment to my last post. Learning to losen the safety belt is definitely a good goal.

I've been doing so much thinking lately - about opportunities, triggers, being true to myself - about all sorts of things. I hope to find some time to get these thoughts out in forthcoming posts. Pretty soon I'll have all the time in the world to do so.

eye opening

I go through the same processes each time.

At the beginning I'm just lost, then comes self-hatred as everything starts to unravel. I hate what I see in the mirror, hate what I've become, hate what I've done. As the weight piles back on I'm uncomfortable in my clothes, uncomfortable in my skin. I go into hiding, disconnected and angry at myself. I beat myself up, all the while continuing to spiral out of control.

Eventually there's a shift. A subtle one. Instead of anger and hate I start to feel regret. I mourn what I've done to myself. It's an eye-opener, I can't really describe the subtle difference. It's not like I couldn't see the weight piling on all along, but I couldn't *really* see it. This new way is quiet, it's calm, it's loving, not hating.

I can't really say what I mean, can't quite describe what I'm trying to get at. I figure that's not such a bad thing, someone once told me that when thoughts are so jumbled that you can't communicate them, that's when they're the most honest; the most raw, most true to your emotions. It's then that my feelings are trying to communicate directly, without over-analytical brain having a chance to edit and re-interpret.

I think of myself as an emotional person, driven far too much by my emotions. Yet do I ever really listen to them?

At the moment I'm a bit stuck in the self hatred. I have no clothes that fit, I'm paying no attention to my appearance, taking no pride or care in myself. But just now, I had a glimmer, a fleeting thought based on genuine care and love for myself. I need to figure a way to turn to that thought and keep it going. It might be the same process each and every time, I might have a good insight into it but I still don't have a lot of control over it.

Here we go again...

This is the third time on this cycle for this blog alone. Just like the last time I'm questioning the repetitive nature of it all, wondering if people will get sick of me. But I need to learn and I'm just going to have to keep going round this rollercoaster until I've figured it out.

Safety belts on, here we go again.

ani in a nutshell

In my quest to find a new path I just dug out one of those personality assessment thingamajigs I did for a job interview a few years ago. It was the kind where you answer a couple hundred questions and it churns out an automated report.

You'd think I might have picked up on the hint back then that computers weren't really my bag of fulfillment, but curiously this still ranked me as suitable for the software consultant job I was going for at the time.

Its summary:

    Ani's task preferences are (in order of preference):

    • doing something artistic
    • thinking about and trying new ways to do things
    • working with her hands
    • doing something that helps others or society
    • analyzing facts
    • problems and decisions
    • organizing something
    • teaching
    • fixing or repairing something
    • researching or learning new information.

    Ani prefers to avoid the following tasks (listed according to greatest dislike first):

    • working with numbers
    • driving a vehicle
    • working with computers
    • doing physical work

    Ani would be interested in work that involves animals, travel, writing/language, food, health/medicine and plants.

    Ani lacks interest in electronics.

    Ani needs a work environment that involves working as part of a team, working with the general public and working indoors.

I'd forgotten just how spot on it was:

    Ani is currently somewhat discouraged about the future. Ani is helpful and responsive to others' needs. Ani has a very strong intention to improve herself. Ani is extremely empathetic and warm, however Ani may at times become a little overly emotional. Ani tends to be reasonably open-minded, making it easier to communicate with people who have different ideas. There are some interpersonal areas in which she could improve. Ani may often have difficulty being frank or direct. Ani has difficulty expressing her own wants and needs. Ani has very low self-esteem. Although Ani has a very strong intention to improve herself, Ani may tend to be very hard on herself while trying to improve. Ani may at times be inflexible.