my future is a blank canvas

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Yesterday I resigned from my job.

I've got a month's notice to work, including finishing off the stressful project I'm behind on, followed by a week's as yet unknown project, then finally two more weeks back in Perth. A month's more stress but then that's it, this will take me to Christmas Eve and then... nothing.

Nada!

Total freedom and an absolute blank canvas.

As you can probably assume from my absence for so long, life carried on going downhill for me. My stress levels got higher and higher, surpassed only by the speed at which my weight also went up. I curled up in a hole. It's easy to disappear when you're in a new city.

I need to learn how to manage my anxiety levels and at the same time reduce the source of that anxiety. This week I made appointments to see both a Career Coach and a Counsellor. I hadn't planned to resign with nothing to go to, but somehow just those two actions, and the support of a loving husband, seemed to give me the strength to do just that.

I had also never planned to be in the industry I'm in. I just found something I had an aptitude for and I followed that path blindly into a highly stressful, highly competitive role. I've no passion for what I do, no antidote for the way my job has been swallowing my life. It's time for a totally clean break and, for the first time I'm my life, to take a positive action instead of following the way of passive least resistance.

I've no idea what work I'll do and how long it's going to take me to decide on a direction. But I'm going to be as open as I can in finding out my true strengths and values, and in learning how I can apply them to a job that will fulfil me, even if it takes a while and I have to stack shelves in the meantime.

Thank you to those of you who've checked in on me, your thoughts have been so heartening. I know I can lose weight - I've done it enough times (and as exhausting as it is I'm going to have to do it all over again (!!)) - what I don't have experience in, is losing stress. I have a weight problem, but food has never been at the heart of the issue. When there's no stress or anxiety, there's no desire to stuff my face. I've tried for a long time to tackle my reaction to stress but with mixed success (as you've all seen by my public meltdown and disappearance) so here I am, and I'm humbly trying again.

8 comments:

Ashwee said...

I'm so pleased to hear that you've decided to make what seemes like the best decision for you right now. I'd love to catch up some time again.

Ash

The Better Idiot said...

I'm so glad to see you back!And even though I kknow things are ind of uncertain now in terms of employment I am so glad to hear you quit your job, it seemed to make you so unhappy. Good luck, and I look forward to reading your posts again.

K not Kay said...

Here is the answer to my question, lol! :)

Ani, I am very proud to hear that you had the drive and the courage to make this decision - and that you followed through with it by handing in your resignation. It's been obvious for such a long time that your job was making you unhappy (and honestly, it probably would make just about anyone unhappy).
I like that you're allowing yourself the time to figure out the next step instead of rushing into something else. Inspiring. :)

chubrubb said...

So glad to hear from you! You made a very hard decision and you chose your mental and physical health over the certainty of a job which was extremely stressful and making you unhappy.
I'm so happy for you! You must be curious to see what the career coach consultation brings out, you might be surprised!
Good luck!

ani pesto said...

@Ashwee - would love to catch up again - January's looking pretty clear ;-) From the FB tidbits I see, you've been having a pretty amazing time of it yourself.

@TBI - thank you, I look forward to reconnecting with you too. Even though I've crept out of my hole enough to post, I still haven't opened my blog reader... soon.

@K - I'm going to do my best to take as much time as I need. This in itself isn't going to be easy for me, I need to put my worry of it not working out on the backburner for long enough to ensure I don't go running head-first into the wrong thing, or worse still, revert back to just what I was doing.

@chubrubb - thank you. I'm so curious to discover what's ahead. I'm also a little worried it might not be as magnificient or worthy as my new-found daydreams, whatever it will be though it can only be better than now and that's a fantastic prospect.

Tully said...

Wow, I am so happy for you. I bet this is a decision you will never regret!

Can't wait for many more brunches now you'll have more time!!! :-)

MB said...

I'm so glad to see you back and sorry to hear things went downhill.

CONGRATULATIONS on your resignation! Friday was my last day at a job I hated and I'm looking forward to what comes next.

I hope we both find betters ways to earn a paycheck.

Change is good.

Shauna said...

I am SOOOOOO soo soooo soooooooooooo happy for you I could just spew. It must feel like a weight has lifted off your shoulders. I agree with K, it's great that you're giving yourself the time to figure out what's next. Huge hugs for ya :)