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It's way over a month since I had those great new intentions and so far all I've succeeded in doing is to increase my weight at the same rate as my anxiety levels.

I'm in the States for a month's training. I'm in a daunting new job, in a strange city on my own. I'm missing home and surrounded by more sugary goods than imaginable. For the first three weeks I was put up in corporate apartment housing and managed to get to the gym a total of three times. Since that first burst of effort I can't count how many times I've binged, overeaten and just full-out gorged myself.

I can't keep doing this.

I'm bored with myself.

I can't believe how many times I can fall over, manage to get up again only to fall straight back down. I liked it up there, why do I keep falling and why does it take me so long to get back again every single time. Sometimes I think I'm just too comfortable in the gutter. It's familiar; there's no challenge. You can't fail if you fail to try.

Well I'm trying and I could do with some help.

2 comments:

Cammy said...

I'm not sure I can offer any help, but I can offer a shoulder.

Just reading your post, I think your first step is to let yourself off the hook. You screwed up. It doesn't matter if it was one time or 100 times, it never feels very good. But what it DOES do is make you human and that makes you part of a group of really, really cool people who have done just the same. :)

While training you may not be able to do everything you want to do to get back on track, but I'll bet you can find one little thing to do. Maybe it's drinking water or skipping icky snacks or anything along those lines. It might help you feel more in control knowing you're conquering those demons even while on the road.

I'm pulling for you!

Giyen said...

Hi! Just found your blog through scalejunkie. I just wanted to tell you that I totally know how you feel. I recently wrote a post about taking U-turns in life. Here's the link:
http://www.baconismyenemy.com/home/2008/07/day-11-of-21-life-is-full-of-u-turns/

Nice to meet others who are battling the same demons! Stop by and say hello.

Giyen