every day a new day

I wouldn't quite go so far as saying I had a spring in my step, but I certainly awoke a little chirpier today. I caught up on my exercise, even doing pull-downs in the rain on our rusty old gym equipment, and I've eaten clean. Tonight I'll be meeting with some of the lovely lady bloggers of Melbourne for dinner. All up, a good day to be had.

ups and downs

Struggling a bit today.

There are a number of possible reasons and I'm not sure which are the symptoms and which are the causes. Prime suspect at this stage is the simple existence of a To Do list and how much that's filling me with anxiety. I'm procrastinating badly.

I'm also suffering with a few aches and pains; a strained shoulder, stiff knee, and general muscle fatigue, all adding up to the reason I haven't exercised today. I'm pretty sure it's more likely to be just my flatness that's really preventing me, and not the twinges, they're most certainly not insurmountable.

I ventured back out to blogland to see if I could take some inspiration and catch up with a few old friends, I don't think I'd opened my reader for about 6 months. This brought with it mixed emotion; some good, some sad and some just a bit too much for me. I certainly wasn't mentally prepared to stumble across someone who had been heavier than me last May, but has since reached a slim and healthy goal weight. She looks amazing. She deserves every inch of that illuminating smile.

Problem is I'm now struggling not to turn the positive emotion I feel for her into negative energy towards myself. What she has done, I once almost did... and then f*cked up. What she has done, I've been recently failing to do. These are things I can't change. I'm not her and she's not me. Why waste my energy on things I cannot change? Truth is I'm not sure I know how to make that choice.

I have no particular message, no conclusions or lessons learned from this. I merely wanted to document where I'm at and to get back into the habit of facing up to the downs. You'll have seen by now I am far more comfortable baring the ups in public, the downs get eaten mostly in private.

So far no eating....

the clean continues

Another couple of clean days gone by and I've even managed some exercise. It wasn't a pretty sight. My 120kg body has a strong memory of what it could do at 85kg and gym-fit, and forgot to adjust for the extra blubbiness factor.

I was doing my best to follow a DVD program when my legs simply gave way and I collapsed in a slow motion heap on the floor. I'm sure it would have been the funniest spectacle, I flayed about and tumbled, somehow simultaneously banging my knees and falling on my backside. The entire movement was reminiscent of one of those mechanical contraptions where it starts with a ball-baring rolling down here, which tips the cup over there, which then hits the cog thing somewhere else and eventually that tiny first movement crescendos into the big whoop bang crashing finale; only instead of the ball-baring and a bunch of mechano, there lay a fallen Disney dancing hippo.

I sat on the floor for a moment and then like a toddler, in shock about what had just happened, I bawled my eyes out.

But what happened next is no doubt the reason I've been flying high ever since: I walked my knees out to loosen them again, changed the DVD to a simpler program, and knocked off a 30 minute workout. 'Course in it's evilness the darn new program would have the very same exercise that had me flying in the first place, but I managed to take it easy and make it all the way through.

When I awoke this morning all my muscles gave me that reassuring scream of post-workout glory, read: pain! Muscles that had forgotten they even had a purpose in my body are now smugly letting me know they exist.

It's a small step, but so very very huge in its significance. Thank you for sticking through it with me, and giving me your support.


Only got a moment to write - and it's going to take longer than that to reply to the wonderful comments I got yesterday. There was a lot of truth and wisdom in them, I even showed my hubby, thank you ladies (and no you were neither offensive, blunt nor babbling) - but just wanted to speed-blog to say that I've had 3 clean days. The day after yesterday was just fine.

I recognise there's a process at play here. By the time I'd come to post my shame, and before anything had come good, it had already begun. The same every time. If I could only burn it to disk and make a handy play button ready for next time, then I wouldn't have to go through this cycle for more than a day. No more 10, 20 or 30kg weight gains EVER again. That would be bliss.

Night all. Day 4 here I come.....AGAIN

yesterday - a case study

It's been a while and my brain's been over-working. I've written so many blog posts in my head, but nowt translated into actual keyboard action. Now that I'm here though, I risk taking you on a messy path through a whole lot of self analysis in one giant befuddled muddle, and we all know how much you'd want to read that. So instead I'll narrow the focus down just a little:


As with every day, I woke up with plans of how to get through the day in a healthy manner. All the while trying to hush the hateful thoughts directed towards myself in my head. Carefully considering how to find a balance:
  • getting a little exercise without risking overdoing it and setting myself up for non-perfection failure;
  • eating healthily, but not so restricted that I feel deprived, now that I'm out of the habit.
Balance is most definitely the key that has worked for me in the past. I was aware of the potential danger points:
  • supermarket shopping,
  • going out without breakfast,
  • being forced to venture into a cafe then being swayed by yumminess if the healthy options are less than yummy.
I planned counter actions and avoidance.

So that was the plan. How did it work out?

It wasn't the best of starts, I found myself running late for the train and left without breakfast - wa wa oops! But with a clear head I popped into a cafe and ordered a coffee (small) with a slice of banana bread (on the large side, and a tightrope trigger that could have gone either way). I ate half, decided it was enough and threw the rest in the bin - woohoo!

Arriving at my destination I felt pretty good. I settled down contentedly into the morning. This was my first day in a new volunteer role; a bit daunting but so far so good. At lunch time, so it transpired, all volunteers get fed for free. Danger, Possible Diversion Ahead! I waited in line, holding my plate with a lot of trepidation, I'd seen a plate of pies being carried in ahead of me. This was a charity after all and they serve whatever has been donated that day. To my relief I was able to fill my plate with steamed rice, vegie stew, roast carrots and potatoes and a small side serving of tomato salad, a potential minefield overcome - woohoo!

Problem was in that word "fill". I felt full. I'd deliberately ensured I had enough to eat so that I wouldn't go hungry but instead I'd gone the other way. Sure it was good and healthy, this was the kind of full that feels extremely satisfying during a smug healthy kick, but my brain wasn't going to be fooled. Oh no, my brain connected all the dots and spelled out b-i-n-g-e. Yeah I know, totally wacko crazy right. Don't go looking for logic round these parts.

So what next?

Well I went to the nearest food court and systematically ate my way around it of course; cheesecake, pancakes, apple pie, cookies, even some strange savoury sausage donut construction. BINGE.

I know it makes no sense. I know what I have to do. I know what a mess I am. I know how good I could feel. I know a lot, and much much more. If there's one thing my career coach and previous counsellors are all in agreement about, it's how self aware I am.

I know, right.

So why am I not doing?


If I ever told the whole truth about what's on my mind, it might look something like this:

* and if you do happen to know me on Facebook please don't mention a thing on it, I find it hard enough opening up in private, I'd be gutted if anyone joined the dots.